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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Characters10. Gargamel
Most likely LSD. spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. what does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
9. Olive Oil
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! she might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popey and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.
8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.
6.& 5.
Yogi and Boo Boo We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at boo boo.
4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
3. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.
2. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.
1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!
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| Posted by pyro_chaos78102 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Scenes Cut from "Titanic"16. Hilarity ensues when someone replaces the life jackets with whoopee cushions.
15. Right after the ship hits the iceberg, the Captain hits the First Mate over the head with his cap, saying "Gilligan, you idiot!"
14. P-Funk Mothership descends on the quarterdeck and plays "Aqua Boogie" while Sir Nose d'Voidoffunk wails that he can't swim.
13. Twenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.
12. Crazy French skunk sneaks on board and tries to romance Rose's black cat, who rubbed against a freshly-painted white pole.
11. Sexy young Strom Thurmond is saved when his new friend, Sven, the handsome Swedish steward, heroically gives up his lifeboat seat.
10. Battle over survivors breaks out between the "Carpathia" and the "Kevorkian."
9. Gopher, Isaac, and Doc escaping on a lifeboat with some stolen jewels and divorcees Karen Valentine, Connie Stevens and Charo.
8. At the 2:20 minutes mark, dinner guest #5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this damned thing ever end?!?"
7. A computer-generated Herve Villachaise screaming, "De berg, Boss, de berg!"
6. Fearing theme song will "go on forever," Celine Dion's grandmother leaps from lifeboat.
5. The evil fianc?© reveals that he's Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the Captain and rule the ship together as father and son.
4. Kathie Lee belting out, "If they could see me drown..."
3. Blooper in which Marlon Brando's "iceberg" makeup slips off.
2. Wanting his Scotch "on the rocks," First Mate Skippy Hazelwood deliberately steers the ship into the iceberg.
1. Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
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| Posted by Champ on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2. His TV remote has a PIN number.
1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
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| Posted by Brent Lybbert on 14-Aug-2005 | 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
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| Posted by K. Caplan on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral1.Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was a Viking S&M session
2.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.
6.Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.
8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased..... PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.
13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16.Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship |
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.
13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.
12. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.
11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.
10. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.
9. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.
8. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.
6. It doesn't matter who visits whom, *someone* is violating their parole.
5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.
4. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.
3. FedEx's drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.
2. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.
1. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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