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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe |
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe10 - In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9 - The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp -- the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8 - After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable -- after some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.
7 - Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
6 - Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
5 - One word: lighsabers.
4 - The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
3 - The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
2 - Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
1 - Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impluse power. Han Solo floors it.
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():top list jokes (540): Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle. |
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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!"
4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
1) "Oops..."
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| Posted by J L on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes15. ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14. ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13. "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12. ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10. ...so Steve Buscemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9. "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8. "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7. ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6. Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4. "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3. ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2. The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.
1. ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items |
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| Posted by Matt J. Mullen on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items16. PVC crack pipes
15. Howard Sterno
14. AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13. Stud-Muffin Finder
12. DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11. Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10. Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9. VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8. Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7. Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6. The TurboBidet 2000
5. Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4. Caulk Rings
3. The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves)
2. Goose Tape
1. "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
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| Posted by alisha bowden on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem15. Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to "two oranges and a cherry" fails dismally.
14. Who knew you'd lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi?
13. It's not that you bet on the Australians to win; it's that you bet on the America's Cup in the first place!
12. You wagered against Ellen being gay... Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer!
11. Ceasar's Palace sends a limo to pick you up - and you live in Bushville, Indiana.
10. Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of "Leaving Las Vegas" than Nicolas Cage.
9. Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love.
8. Every night during "Wheel of Fortune," you scream, "Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!"
7. You bet "yes" on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful.
6. Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
5. You're the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor.
4. When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, "Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!"
3. That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet.
2. Donald's newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry.
Your name: Larry.
1. When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, "Creamed corn, baby, come on!"
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Christopher C. Lewis on 14-Aug-2005 | Bart Simpson's PunishmentThe opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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