|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Prabesh Neupane on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants......
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005 | The Gift That Keeps on GivingRoy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 13-Aug-2005 | This year, I resolve to...1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the blazing OC-12 line.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesotta Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
21. Not eat cloned meat.
22. Create loose ends.
23. Get more toys.
24. Get further in debt.
25. Not believe Bill Clinton.
26. Break at least one traffic law.
27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
30. Stay off the MIR space station.
31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
34. Associate with even worse business clients.
35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
38. Wait around for opportunity.
39. Focus on the faults of others.
40. Mope about my faults.
41. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Bob J. Blob on 13-Aug-2005 | Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't - Talk about a huge breast!"
- Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
- "It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?"
- "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
- "Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest."
- "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
- "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
- "Use a nice, smooth stroke when you whip it."
- "Don't play with your meat."
- "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
- "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
- "You'll know when it's ready when it pops up."
- "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
- "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
- "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
- "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
- "It's Cool Whip time!"
- "You still have a little bit on your chin."
- "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by DODGY DUDE on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
15. Fight global hunger... starting with this Ding Dong.
14. Gain 20 pounds and keep smoking. Hey, at least I'll *keep* my resolutions for once.
13. Give up the repetitive, unfunny catchphrases and write some real jokes this year. On second thought, that ain't no tofu burrito, Chester, and I *am* happy to see you so I KISS YOU!!!
12. Quit squeezing pimples, especially other people's.
11. Pamper my colon: Eat more fiber!
10. Work on building buns of mush to fit in better at next year'sTop5 Contributor Convention.
9. Try to tone down the sexual magnetism.
8. I resolve not to take 10-15 items through the "5 Item or Less"lane at the supermarket.
7. Use my power of humor only for good.
6. Whip it. Whip it good.
5. Attempt to do some of that "work" crap my boss keeps yammering about.
4. Say "Thank You" afterwards -- because even goats appreciate abit of courtesy.
3. One word: sunlight
2. I prefer making resolutions for other people: Jan, lose 30 pounds; Phil, give me better performance reviews; and Linda, stop hiding your aching lust for me behind a mask of indifference.
1. I resolve to finally give in and join my fellow contributors by going down on the Top 5 list moderator in exchange for that coveted #1 spot.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Boogyman J. Boogster on 13-Aug-2005 | The History of Santa
1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.
1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.
1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.
1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies at age 89.
1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.
1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.
1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.
1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner in his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.
1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the largest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but it remains very costly.
1837--Claus III dies.
1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.
1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.
1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.
1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.
1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.
1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."
1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.
1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the least bit excited.
1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949--Claus VII is born.
1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away and then they tell their children that there is no Santa Claus.
1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002--Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.
2007--The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom despite the surprising discovery that the nation is nearly bankrupt.
2011--It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion. He engineered the entire Anti-Claus incident in an elaborate plot to steal the Polar treasury. After the "explosion", he retired to the Bahamas. He is later found dead of a heart attack in a jacuzzi with two and a half dozen nymphets.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
