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| Posted by Anna P. Crist on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
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| Posted by Joy Palmquist on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Words that Don't Exist, but Should1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship |
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| Posted by Sara Beth on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise ShipTop Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line's Sovereign of the Seas Cruise Ship - 1998
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You'll Never Get a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame |
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| Posted by Katie F. on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You'll Never Get a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame15> Your only claim to fame ended when you found out that guy in the motel room wasn't really a director, but just a pizza delivery guy with a gold tooth, a camcorder, and a goat.
14> Your network vice-pres-- oh, I'm sorry... I'm not eligible for this one. I already HAVE a star.
13> Your greatest achievement to date? Twenty-seven arrests for public urination with no convictions. Oh, yeah... and Internet humor list contributor.
12> Appearances on 7-Eleven security cameras do not count as face time.
11> The committee frankly doesn't care about your record-setting wait in line for Episode 1.
10> The last time you were that close to wet cement, it involved "Tony the Fish" and the Hudson River.
9> You've already been given a gold star each time you completed the 28-day treatment program, Mr Downey.
8> In your last 87 roles, you've never been off of your knees.
7> Sure, Hollywood loves double-D breasts -- on a female.
6> "Starring role in a George Lucas movie" looks great on your resume, but the industry is oddly bereft of "Howard the Duck" nostalgia.
5> Your agent pitches you to studios as "the thinking man's Carrot Top."
4> Your one starring role was in a snuff film... and you couldn't even get *that* right, dammit!!!
3> That Ebert guy can't say your name without giggling.
2> You give your heart and soul to the industry, and all they ever talk about is "Vanna, Vanna, Vanna."
1> Dude, where's my star?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Words We Should Add to the English Language |
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| Posted by phlegm on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Words We Should Add to the English Language14> anonymiss -- the act of forgetting someone's name immediately upon being introduced
13> crough -- to cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough
12> jennamnesia -- to be so drunk as to forget you're the President's daughter
11> bobbityboo -- mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises
10> spaffle -- completely cooked waffle iron runoff
9> smealth -- the ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters
8> algoria -- finding one's Day Planner suddenly very, very, open
7> massturbation -- group phone sex
6> dopplersation -- a discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other
5> afterblow -- the compulsive need to review the contents of one's handkerchief following a good nose-blow
4> spillisecond -- the fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out
3> algebrassierism -- the compulsion to spend time in math class spelling "BOOBIES" on an upside-down calculator
2> doglet -- any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat
1> squee-squee -- the curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You |
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| Posted by Fred A. Tisdale on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat.
15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads.
14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers.
13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries.
12> Burgers that don't sell after two days spend the rest of the month as "Filet-O-Fish."
11> The Hamburglar MUST dress like that because of Megan's Law.
10> McNuggets are shaped to honor the states with lenient meat-handling laws.
9> The reason we wear rubber gloves is for OUR protection, not yours.
8> The real Ronald McDonald died in 1969, trying to wrestle the controls of a small plane from an inebriated Hamburglar.
7> We never asked; we just assumed you'd prefer it lukewarm.
6> The Bible might be a series of allegorically instructive fables, rather than historically factual accounts.
5> You can McNugget almost anything and people still think it's chicken.
4> If our lawsuit succeeds, many Irish people will lose the first two letters of their surname, as did Hammer.
3> We modeled Ronald on a painting by John Wayne Gacy.
2> Actually, seeing you smile kind of creeps us out.
1> "Okay, you got us; there aren't really any salads back here."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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