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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treati |
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| Posted by dan mcclenaghan on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treati10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-spouses live
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():holiday jokes (333): The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas... |
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 14-Aug-2005 | The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To
avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry
Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy
Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder
(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for
celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
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| Posted by stephen w. mckenna on 14-Aug-2005 | The 12 Days of an AOL ChristmasOn the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me:
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech
3 error messages
2 pieces of junk mail (just 2?)
and a jerk cursing in a chat room!
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| Posted by Tevin mcguire on 14-Aug-2005 | The WORST thing that could happen everTHIS IS A TRUE STORY:
It was spring vacation and my friend wasn't going anywhere. her
mom felt really bad for her so she took her to a spa. she didn't
like that so they dicited to go home early. her mom still felt
sortove bad so she acted like she made a wrong tern and she went
to the beach. what my friend didn't know was that her mom was a
real partier so she was left out in everything! there was this
concert the next day and her mom literly went on the stage and
brung my friend up there. her mom went off the stage and
everybody started to screem my frends name. she got so excited
that she through off her shirt
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| Posted by Vortex on 11-Aug-2005 | Santa ClausSanta Claus is Wielding a Gun
(to the tune of ''Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'')
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
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| Posted by Alli E. Suriani on 11-Aug-2005 | You Killed the Easter Bunny!A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in Heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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