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TopFive's Thanksgiving Dinner Advice

50> Thanksgiving entertainment is fine, but try to avoid hiring giblet jugglers.

49> The oldest male child should sit at the head of the table and steadfastly refuse to move, proclaiming loudly, "Yer already dead, old man!" (Hey, we didn't say it was all *good* advice.)

48> After eight years in a row, you should know better than to pull that finger.

47> Carving a "turkey" from a block of potted meat may be a clever trick, but it will leave you with a table of hungry, angry guests.

46> To prevent post-meal indigestion, spike the dressing with Tums.

45> Basting isn't necessary -- you can go ahead and murder your family dry if you like. And remember: When the police arrive, cranberry sauce is effective at hiding telltale blood stains.

44> In an emergency, gravy can be administered by IV.

43> Resist the urge to recreate the Devil's Tower using your mashed potatoes; chilled leftovers are better construction material and draw less attention.

42> If the about-to-be-carved turkey is smiling at you, you know Grandpa's already hammered and pranking with his teeth again.

41> Fold the napkins inside out and you can use them a second time.

40> Concerned about room at the table? With a good juicer, you can reduce the entire meal to a delicious, space-saving shake.

39> The more you drink, the more tolerable Uncle Saul's stench becomes.

38> Remember, demonstrating how you "stuffed" the turkey with your "special sauce" will probably get you arrested.

37> You should not give away a turkey drumstick as a "marital aid door prize."

36> The "Butterball Hotline" is *not* a direct phone line to the desk of Al Roker.

35> No matter how much wine is served at Thanksgiving dinner, a gourd should never be used as a marital aid.

34> When your mother makes her signature marshmallow/butterscotch/marmalade/chocolate/caramel/powdered sugar/sprinkle-covered yams, take a helping even if you're on the Atkins Diet unless you really want to hear about the 40 hours she spent in labor bringing your sorry ass into this world so you could insult her cooking.

33> We're Americans! If all else fails, deep-fry that sucker -- regardless of what it is.

32> Whenever someone asks where you got the turkey, tell them you married him. *That* joke never gets old.

31> Sure, an apple looks appetizing in a roast pig's mouth, but please consider that turkeys lack an appropriate orifice.

30> Remember: A large family dinner is God's way of saying "I hate you."

29> Six or seven good-sized squirrels can be sewn together into a reasonable semblance of a turkey. Just don't be too forceful with the stuffing.

28> Uncle Marty unhitching his belt buckle after dessert is a sign he enjoyed his meal, not cause for a frantic call to 911.

27> It's considered impolite to refer to stuffing the turkey as "buggering the bird."

26> Despite Uncle Louie's insistence, unlimited helpings of "turkey" refers to the poultry, not Wild Turkey 101.

25> Best not sit your adult Native American guests at the children's table.

24> A systematic reassembly of the giblets on a serving tray both educates the kids and aesthetically pleases the adults.

23> Shredded stock trading documents make lovely basket stuffers! (Martha Stewart only)

22> Fresh apple cider is a fall treat for the kids, and you can surprise them with a post-Halloween trick by substituting the contents of Grandpa's catheter bag.

21> Never pull the hostess' legs apart and yell, "C'mon, Cousin Roy, make a wish!"

20> Here's a time-saving recipe for rice pilaf: Start with some Minute Rice, then look behind the fridge and add whatever you can peel off the floor.

19> A wishbone can be used as emergency IUD.

18> No matter how funny a voice you make, using the turkey as a hand-puppet probably won't impress your girlfriend's parents.

17> Avoid certain disaster by placing Adam Sandler at the kid's table and his guitar with the adults.

16> Assign Great Aunt Gertrude a helpful task that also keeps her out of the kitchen... like re-roofing the garage.

15> To aid digestion, avoid watching the annual Detroit Lions game.

14> If Grandpa happens to die during dinner, it's impolite to call dibs on his spot at the big-people table.

13> Memo to turkey carver: "Do you want fries with that?" is a little bit funnier every time you say it.

12> For a festive touch, fill finger bowls with raw poultry juices.

11> Keep an extra tureen of gravy handy so you can pour it over the head of anyone who answers a cell phone during the meal.

10> When you say, "I simply MUST have this recipe," don't follow up with, "They're going to ask me about it in the emergency room."

9> If your turkey has four paws and fur, it's time to change butcher shops.

8> Dress comfortably and casually. You'll be eating yourself silly, and since only relatives will be there, you won't be getting laid anyway.
(Note: This tip not applicable in Greater Appalachia.)

7> Although guests love being pampered, it's not generally considered appropriate to unbutton their pants for them after the meal.

6> Fun tip: Glue pine cones to your beer-can hats and fill them with gravy!

5> Don't trust any recipe for mashed potatoes that includes the step, "Now invite Gallagher over."

4> Great Thanksgiving trick: Hide a tape recorder inside the turkey. When stuffing the bird, hit the "play" button.
Your pre-recorded orgasm sounds will delight both family and friends!

3> Be sure the dinnertime seating arrangements leave your unnaturally skinny niece a clear path to the bathroom.

2> Keep the leftover gravy to make frozen gibletsicles for the kids!

1> Accept the Dahmers' invitation if you must, but you'd be wise to take a pass on the "Gran'berry sauce.

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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]