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| Posted by kyle loucas on 13-Aug-2005 | Trick questionThe local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff drawled, 'Gomer, what is 1 and 1?'
'11' he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, 'That's not what I meant, but he's right.' 'What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?'
'Today and tomorrow.' He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
'Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don't know.'
'Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?'
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. 'It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!'
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| Posted by Rick Bron on 13-Aug-2005 | The pope and the queenThe Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, 'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.' The Pope replied, 'No way! You can't do that.' The Queen said, 'Watch this!' So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, 'Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.' He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.' The Queen replied, 'No way, it can't be done.' So, the Pope head-butted her.
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| Posted by MindYerBeak on 13-Aug-2005 | The tool for the jobThis fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, 'Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.'
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. 'How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?' the man asks himself. 'I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,' the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. 'The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,' the man says to himself. The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.
The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, 'Hmm, it looks fine.' Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, 'What's that noise?'
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| Posted by Lorena on 13-Aug-2005 | Food for a manThis woman has her bridge club every Thursday night. After a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. One Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. 'Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.' She dashes out of her friend's house; her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time. There is enough time to go to the supermarket and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf, just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
'Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, yum!' And that night, they had sex for the first time in months and it was great.
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. 'You're going to kill him,' they'd all say.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. 'You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?'
The wife stoically replied, 'Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle while he was licking his rear.'
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