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| Posted by Nancy P. Lynam on 09-Aug-2005 | Truckers in heavenThree truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."
So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any dope?"
"No."
"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"
"No."
St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."
He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No, that'd be bad for my health."
"Have you ever done any drugs?"
"No sir, that'd be breaking the law."
"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?" "No way, that'd be breaking one of the ten commandments."
St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.
He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"Well, I tried not to but I've always been an alcoholic."
"Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"
"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you've got to roll to make the dough."
"Well," St. Peter asks "I've got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?"
"Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there's this dame back in Baltimore that'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"
St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there."
When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we're going back to Baltimore!!!"
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Melissa Pena on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk DriverA female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.
Submitted by Calamjo
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| Posted by Birdshite on 09-Aug-2005 | Pulled overAn elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
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| Posted by Lowell E. Parson on 09-Aug-2005 | PoliceA man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
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| Posted by Jenn L. Chicallo on 09-Aug-2005 | Breathalyzer testLate one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.
And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know.
Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
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| Posted by Don J. Salcido on 09-Aug-2005 | Silly DrunkA police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted Christine
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