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| Posted by Po Lai on 11-Aug-2005 | Twas the Month after Chanukah...'Twas the Month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I'd never said, ''No thank you, please.''
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
''You can't spend the winter disguised as a man!''
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
''Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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| Posted by Velcro on 11-Aug-2005 | Twas the Night Before'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, ''Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.''
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, ''Paw, what is it?''
Bubba just stared He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, ''Don't shoot, boys!''
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
''Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!''
''Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!''
The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
''Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might.''
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
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| Posted by Paul J. Targonski on 11-Aug-2005 | Signs You BoughtSigns You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
Two feet tall, forty feet wide
Salesman's opening line: ''You're not a cop, are you?''
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
Each branch has ''Duraflame'' printed on it.
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
It's very small and says ''air freshener'' on it.
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
Constantly bragging about its ''trunk size''
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| Posted by Lilly13 on 11-Aug-2005 | A husband and wife are travelingA husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide
to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. ''The best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here'', explains the manager. No matter what
facility the manager mentions, the man replies, ''But we didn't use it!'' The
manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. ''But sir,'' he says, ''this
check is only made out for $100.'' ''That's right,'' says the man. ''I charged
you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'' ''But I didn't!'' exclaims the manager.
''Well,'' the man replies, '' she was here, and you could have.''
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 11-Aug-2005 | A man and his wifeA man and his wife were driving through the beautiful Welsh countryside one day
when they came across a roadsign which read
''Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch'' (The longest town-
name in the world). The husband says the name and his wife laughs. ''That's not
how you pronounce it'', she says and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband
nearly crashes the car laughing and they start debating how to pronounce the
name.
Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to lunchtime they pull
into a restaurant in the town whose name is the subject of the argument. As
they're settling their bill, the wife says to the cashier, ''Excuse me, but
would you mind settling an argument between my huband and me? Could you
possibly pronounce the name of where we are, only please do it very very
slowly''.
The cashier leans forward and says.....................
.......................................................
.......................................................
.......................................................
.......................................................
''Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg''
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| Posted by Rhino on 11-Aug-2005 | Once there was a man whoOnce there was a man who wanted a pet. So he went to the pet shop to buy a bird that could sing. the owner siad ''this is an Amazon singing bird. If you put it over water it will sing a song about the sea. If you put it over the train tracks it will sing a song about working on rail road. But never put it over fire.'' So he took it to the lake and put over the water. The bird started to sing a pirates life. ''UHHHH I hate this song. so he took the bird from over the water. He did the same thing with the tracks the bird sung I've been working on the railroads.''UHHHHHH I hate this song too. hmmmm I wonder what would happen if I put him over fire. so he lit a match and the bird sung Chestnuts Roasting over an open fire.
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