T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa...

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works



I've busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight



Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter



They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits

They want the impossible ....Those mean little shits



I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!



If you think that's bad...just picture this

Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard

And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird



Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment



There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Question and answer Christmas joke

Did Santa give you that present?

Question and answer Christmas joke

Question and answer Christmas joke