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| Posted by fantase on 09-Aug-2005 | Uncle TedOne day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
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| Posted by susan on 09-Aug-2005 | School PlayLittle Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years!", he said cheerfully.
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work! Before you know it, they'll give you a speaking part!"
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| Posted by Donna on 09-Aug-2005 | Mowing The LawnA little Johnny was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.
The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to discipline the child.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"Aw, that ain't no big deal", the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got a tattoo when I was three".
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don??™t remember. I was drunk!"
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| Posted by Answering machine jokes on 09-Aug-2005 | I Want A BikeLittle Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared.
He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror.
She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man."
Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed.
Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pyjamas, rubs his chest and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."
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| Posted by sexy mole on 09-Aug-2005 | Florida TripA little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap????
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please please... make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
"Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
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| Posted by Rhino on 09-Aug-2005 | Can I've A Job?This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job.
The owner tells him that he doesn't need any help.
The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he'll give him a job.
A few minutes later a customer comes in. "Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?"
The guy says, "I need some grass seed."
So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, "How about a lawn mower to go with this."
"What do I need a lawn mower for?"
"Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with."
"Yea, OK, I'll take a lawn mower too."
After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, "That's how it's done. Can you do that?"
The kid said, "Sure."
So the next customer comes in and says, "I need some Tampax."
The kid says, "Yes sir.", and goes after them.
When he gets back he says, "Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?"
The guy says, "What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?"
The kid replies, "You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that's for sure....."
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