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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by STEVIE on 14-Aug-2005 | Graffiti in the USAThe best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA
~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) -- hello Leroy!
These candy bars taste like cotton.
For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.
Birthdays come only once a year ... I'm glad I'm not a birthday.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
We aim to please: aim too please.
Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Help stamp out graffiti.
Graffiti is the 'handwriting on the wall'
Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.
Eat Shit: a billion flies can't be wrong.
Eat Sheep: a thousand Utah coyotes can't be wrong.
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| Posted by Cedrik on 13-Aug-2005 | More stuff to ponderIt is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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| Posted by caryline kelly on 13-Aug-2005 | Imponderable QuestionsDo you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How many times do you use a disposable razor?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would see okay?
You know how most well labeled packages say "Open Here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else"?
When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?
When they finish making styro-foam what do they package it in?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera? Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?
Why is the "knee-jerk" response to a paper cut is "Oh, those are the worst kind."? I think getting hacked with a machete would be worse.
Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?
Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?
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| Posted by sarah fame on 14-Aug-2005 | Funny Quotes from Famous PeopleWomen need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
-Delta Burke
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle
maintenance.
-Tim Allen
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think,
"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
-Tim Allen
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