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Ventriloquist and th

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock the shit out of you.'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the comedian. The polack retorted, ''I was talking to little asshole on your knee."

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	():bar jokes (2610): Female Hormones in B

Posted by Tim Whittenberger on 09-Aug-2005

Female Hormones in B

Two men were in a pub.
One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?''
The other man said, ''No! Is it true?'' ''Yes,'' said the first man. ''If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.''

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	():bar jokes (2610): Alcoholic Side-Effec

Posted by Lauren Prescott on 09-Aug-2005

Alcoholic Side-Effec

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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	():bar jokes (2610): Irishman Drunk and F

Posted by Tom C on 09-Aug-2005

Irishman Drunk and F

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

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	():bar jokes (2610): Beer Brothers

Posted by jeanine k. kivimaki on 09-Aug-2005

Beer Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

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	():bar jokes (2610): What, No Golden Goos

Posted by nick eckhardt on 09-Aug-2005

What, No Golden Goos

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?"

asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glasses?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden beer?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a golden urinal?"

"Hold on."

On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

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