"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?...

"I believe that's the backstroke, madam."

"Waiter, there's also a needle in my soup!"

"I'm sorry, madam, that's a typographical error. That should have
been a noodle."

Hi:...

Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't.

I call it the "But First Syndrome."

You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry....

....But first I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle rack.

....But first I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oops......there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook,

....But first I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away....

....But first I need to water those plants. Head for door and.... Stepped on the dog. Dog needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants....

....But first I need to feed the dog.....

End of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the dog ate the remote control ........ And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled because.... I know I was busy all day!

I realize this condition is serious...and I'd get help...

....But first... I think I'll check my email!

Laugh, and the world laughs with you....

Snore, and you sleep alone.

An actor should always bear in mind what clapping...

In World War II, an English reporter who had...

The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.

Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout.

Mary Jo was going into labor and the baby...

The operator said she would send someone right out, "Where do you live?" she asked.

"On Eucalyptus Drive," replied Billy Bob.

"Can you spell that for me?" asked the operator.

There was a pause, and then Billy Bob said, "How about I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there?"