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| Posted by Steelers R. Awesome on 14-Aug-2005 | Wake me up...On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,
"Sonny boy, I think I'm going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.
Can you wake me up when we get to New York?" The Driver replied, "Sure
thing." But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3
hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New
York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when
all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn't change his mind.
Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old
lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she
said, "Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!" and went back to sleep again.
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| Posted by Karlina Fierling on 14-Aug-2005 | Sherlock HolmesSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God
is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
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| Posted by AK-47 on 14-Aug-2005 | Dear mom and dad...Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's
mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have
found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster
Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can
will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.
Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows
back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to
break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think
it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10
people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat
guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how
to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This
morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the
lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under
the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some
scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to
spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him
any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are
going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about
anything. We are fine.
Love,
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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| Posted by Joe Mama on 14-Aug-2005 | The AirplaneA pilot was flying a 747 full of passengers as a voice cracked
over the radio.
It said, "This is Ground Control. Please divert your course 5
degrees east. Over."
The pilot was slightly confused and responded, "10-4, but why
should I divert my course?"
The voice answered, "Your plane and another 747 are about to
pass over a major city and we don't want any excess noise."
The pilot laughed and said, "I'm 31,000 feet up. What kind of
noise could I cause?"
Ground Control answered, "Have you ever heard the sound that
colliding 747's make?"
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| Posted by Daisy Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | What time does the bar open?At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what
time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar
opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can
have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
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| Posted by Ricky THE MAN on 14-Aug-2005 | To Identify Where Drivers Are FromOne hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse,
brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on
the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver
with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a
car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
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