|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by John D on 10-Aug-2005 | Walkin' in a Doggie WonderlandDogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, not white -- I've been there tonight,
marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand??™ ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
so all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Maryanne on 10-Aug-2005 | Dumb Crooks RoundupBETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in
Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports
bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was
flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a
felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago,
Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life
without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for
shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a
pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the
man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but
changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops
ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons
violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence
for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a
violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away
for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's
injury is punishment enough.
HEY -- WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience
store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob
the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to
hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside
the store... and called the police.
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if
you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the
original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own
restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North
Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A
refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach
restaurant -- where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to
the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found
a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of
each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the
film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The
men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera
that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots
to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The
suspects were quickly arrested.
I THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he
blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut
cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He
had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police
called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints,
and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
AND FINALLY...
Admitting his 0-4 records are not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is
available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He
nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train,
killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him
to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the
trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Thomas H. Mitchell on 10-Aug-2005 | Obnoxious Parrot on an AirplaneA man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round,
and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "And get me a
whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but
forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately
drains its glass and yells "And get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the
parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to
try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get
it or I'll give you a slap!"
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take
them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the
plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't
fly, you're a lippy bastard!!???
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by desiree on 10-Aug-2005 | The Pheasant's Special Dieta pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
???i would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,??? sighed the
pheasant, ???but i haven't got the energy.???
???well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings???? replied the bull.
???they're packed with nutrients.???
the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on.
finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
the moral of the story: bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by John C. Kober on 10-Aug-2005 | Golfer Goes to the Emergency RoomA man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Teresa Adams on 10-Aug-2005 | VetA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much
he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
