|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Spanky4 on 14-Aug-2005 | Walking the dogI was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off,
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to
get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed
him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing
eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his legs."
Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with
the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to
change airlines!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Amanda Ciaramella on 14-Aug-2005 | Fish & GameA young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation.
He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One
morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the
lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice
to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about
boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and
settled down to read.
After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and
asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was
obvious, she responded, "I'm reading a book."
"You're in a restricted fishing area, I'll need to take you in
and write you up for this", he said.
Astounded, she argued, "But I'm not fishing. You saw me here,
reading my book!"
"But you have all the necessary equipment," he said, pointing
out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat,
"so I'm going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area."
"Then I will press charges on you for rape", she said.
"Rape!? I haven't touched you!"
"No," she said, "but you have all the necessary equipment."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Sunbathing, a true storyA rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ruth Stewart on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to Do on a Bus1. Swing from the metal railings on the ceiling, singing, "I'm a
monkey! Ooga Ooga!" If there are people with groceries, steal
their bananas.
2. When someone sits down next to you, take out your cell phone
and start saying ominous things like, "I found the bomb. It's on
this bus." or, "I'm surrounded. Send in the artillery."
3. Go up to one of the other passengers and say, "I know all
about what you've done. We've been tracking you for a long
time." See if you can get them to confess anything.
4. When someone sits next to you, strike up an argument with
yourself. Escalate the argument, and finally start punching
yourself in the head. See how long it takes them to leave.
5. Every 5 minutes scream "WE'RE GONNA CRASH! TAKE COVER!" and
hide under a seat. When the bus keeps going, peek out and
whisper, "It's magic!!"
6. Stand in the middle of the aisle, stare at the little lights
on the ceiling, and say, "I have seen the light, Obi-wan."
7. Keep looking at the bottom of your shoes and saying, "Ewwww,
gross."
8. Lift up the seat cushions and say, "How are you doing, little
guys?"
9. Save seats for imaginary friends.
10. Stand in the front of the bus and announce, "I am the knight
who says... NEE!!" Say "nee" to all the passengers and ask them
for shrubberies.
11. Go up to someone, poke them, say, "You're it!" and start
scurrying around.
12. When someone sits next to you, poke them repeatedly, saying,
"Poke!" loudly each time, and see what their reaction is.
13. When boarding the bus, ask the bus driver, "Can my pet tree
come too?"
14. Wear a backpack and whine, "But mommy, I don't WANNA go to
school!"
15. Eat invisible food, making obnoxious smacking noises. When
the bus driver says no food allowed, hold it behind your back
and whistle.
16. Ask everyone on the bus "Have you seen my (insert small
furry rodent/insect/huge dangerous animal)?"
(These also work on the train)
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jay k. Maroony on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 4 Fun Things To Do On a Road Trip4. Go into a gas station angry. Insist that you were there an
hour ago and the clerk gave you bad directions.
3. Pull up beside another motorist. Leaving your window up, yell
and motion at the motorist that there is air in their tires.
Look very concerned.
2. Pick up a hitchhiker. Claim that you know who he is and that
you will not let the FBI find him. Mumble something about taking
him to a safe place in the desert where nobody can find him.
1. Pull up beside someone. Have your passenger splash ketchup on
his window, slam his head against it, and slowly slide his head
down the window.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Man Without a TieA traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like
to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can
get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come
in here without a tie!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
