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| Posted by K. Caplan on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways To Be Offensive At A Funeral1.Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was a Viking S&M session
2.Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.
6.Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.
8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased..... PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.
13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16.Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe |
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe10 - In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9 - The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp -- the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8 - After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable -- after some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.
7 - Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
6 - Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
5 - One word: lighsabers.
4 - The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
3 - The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
2 - Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
1 - Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impluse power. Han Solo floors it.
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():top list jokes (540): Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle. |
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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!"
4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
1) "Oops..."
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| Posted by J L on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes15. ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14. ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13. "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12. ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10. ...so Steve Buscemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9. "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8. "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7. ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6. Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4. "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3. ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2. The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.
1. ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items |
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| Posted by Matt J. Mullen on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items16. PVC crack pipes
15. Howard Sterno
14. AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13. Stud-Muffin Finder
12. DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11. Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10. Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9. VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8. Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7. Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6. The TurboBidet 2000
5. Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4. Caulk Rings
3. The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter would-be toupee thieves)
2. Goose Tape
1. "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II) |
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| Posted by Hottstufff on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part II)16. The Gilbert Gottfried Vibrating Showerhead
15. The Whoopsie Brothers' "WidowMaker" Nonlocking Stepladder
14. Black and Decker Nipple Sanders
13. Lee Press-On Nails
12. Approximo Knives
11. The Black and Decker Power Router with Home Circumcision Attachment
10. "I Can't Believe It's Not Asbestos!"
9. The Limb-Mangler 6500 Wood Chipper ("Bucket O' Coagulant" and "Man, That's Gotta Hurt! Tourniquet" sold separately)
8. Bob Villa's "Lovemaking, Sensitive Man Style" Video
7. Emo Phillips Head Screwdriver
6. Swiss Army Demitasse Spoon
5. Nine Inch Tacks
4. Monkey Wenches
3. "Crackle" buttcrack spackle - "Keeps the weather out!"
2. Tommy Lee Foot-Long Tape Measure
1. The "Make Your Own Fertilizer!" Kit
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