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| Posted by sexy bugger on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse Santa Claus8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | I just had a dream about itA young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
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| Posted by Pablo The Spicy Latin on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
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| Posted by sarah l. mellor on 14-Aug-2005 | Twelve Days Of ChristmasRead this in the songs toon from the last one (12) to the first
one (1). I know you know the song.
1. One homosexual cow
2. Two fake nipples
3. Three genital warts
4. Four ballhairs
5. FIVE ORGASMS
6. Six candied dildos
7. Seven flavored condoms
8. Eight pimps-a-playing
9. Nine prison bitches
10. Ten dogs-a-humping
11. Eleven hookers hooking
12. Twelve crackheads tweaking
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| Posted by Max Willman on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Carol ParrotOne Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I
get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a
lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's
reply. The shop owner Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and
ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When
the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She
exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he
can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they
held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an
open fire...."
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| Posted by emily n on 14-Aug-2005 | Bitchs and Basterds There once was a little boy. His parents always are arguing
calling each other bitchs and basterds. One day, the little boy
asks what this meens. The parents answer, "well, it means, uh,
ladies and gentlemen". So, the little boy goes upstairs and
walks in on his grandparents having sex. He hears," give me your
boobs and give me your balls", from his grandparents. He asks
them, "what does that mean?", "uh, hats and coats", they
answered. So, the little boy makes his way down the stairs and
hears his mum mutter "fuck!". He walks in to the kitchen to find
her cutting the turkey. He asks, " what does that mean?". His
mom answers,"um, well, preparing the turkey". So, he goes
upstairs and hears his dad scream shit!!. So, he asks his dad
what that means. He anwers,"well, it's shaving cream".
"DING DONG", the little boy runs downstairs to greet the
guests for thanksgiving dinner. He anwers the door," Hello
bitches and basterds, give me your boobs and balls". The guests
are very offended and ask him where his parents are. "My moms in
the kitchen fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs putting
shit on his face", he answers.
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