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| Posted by Al Coholic on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways to Tell if You're Stuck in the 80's1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame !"
26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a TV show
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on"
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke 64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF's real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye shadow and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion"
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure"
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| Posted by Matt G on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Be AnnoyingAdjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt..fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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():top list jokes (540): Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart |
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| Posted by Mike A. Rotch on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs Your Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude |
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| Posted by Brenda R. Dople on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs Your Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude13. Her station's new slogan: "More Talk, Less Clothes!"
12. Her cure for people's fear of public speaking no longer requires any imagination.
11. Photo on her driver's license taken by Bob Guccione.
10. Pompous elitist attitude a direct result of the camera making her look 10 lbs. heavier.
9. Her standard on-air greeting: "This is Dr. Laura, and I'm naked."
8. Now rails on the importance of keeping all nine commandments.
7. "Hello, this is Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I am my children's hypocritical, adulterous, boney-assed mom."
6. Her nickname in the studio? "Dr. Bareassinger."
5. That twirling tassel she uses for hypnosis.
4. She ends your session with, "You know, Hef has a couch just like this."
3. Insists on being called "Dr. November 1978"
2. Keeps asking, "Does this notepad make my ass look big?"
1. Screams "How 'bout them Yankees?!" every time a caller mentions nude photos.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac |
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| Posted by Julia A. Lundberg on 14-Aug-2005 | McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big MacIn case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger last month. Here's David Letterman's explanations.
The TopTen List: "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac" as presented 8/22/97 broadcast of the 'Late Show with David Letterman':
10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"
9. Condom, condiment-- what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"
4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker is broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device"
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful!
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():top list jokes (540): The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk |
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| Posted by Matt A. Fennell on 14-Aug-2005 | The 25 Top Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk25 When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24 Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23 Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22 Kirk never met an alien (female) he didn't like. . .
21 Kirk bested an old, tired has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.
20 Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19 Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18 Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17 Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16 Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15 Picard became a Borg.
14 Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13 Picard can fence.
12 Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11 Picard is a wine connaisseur.
10 Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9 Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.
8 Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.
7 Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.
6 Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5 Picard has killed Klingons in hand to hand combat on several different occasions.
4 Picard has broken the Prime Directive at least a dozen times.
3 Picard can swear in Klingon.
2 Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1 Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.
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