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| Posted by Ensain on 09-Aug-2005 | Weight LossTwo Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in weight."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?"
asked her friend.
"Oh ! Not yet."
the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
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| Posted by kate lyons on 09-Aug-2005 | Dinner with the PresGore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."
The waitress says, "Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."
Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!" Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Bush responds - "Hey, you order what you want and I'll order what I want."
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| Posted by joke on 09-Aug-2005 | Wise ChappieAt a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: 'To My One And Only Love'.
That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
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| Posted by Nick N. Markovic on 09-Aug-2005 | Kick This Grandad!The grandson called out "Grampa, Grampa, come here, and kick this bucket."
"Why do you want me to come and kick your bucket?"
says his grandfather.
"Well, mum said, When you kick the bucket, i'll get a new bike!"
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| Posted by C C on 09-Aug-2005 | Lion TamerTwo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
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| Posted by Drew S. Suhr on 09-Aug-2005 | Breast EnlargementA woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
, she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."
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