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| Posted by Tevin mcguire on 10-Aug-2005 | What do You GetA young girl of 12 gets up in the middle of the night for a glass of water.
Hearing muffled noises coming from her parents room, she quietly peeks her
head in. She's been very curious about sex, and thinks that that must be what
her parents are doing....
She soundlessly returns to bed and resolves to ask her mother about it in the
morning. At breakfast she asks her mother, "Mommy, what's sex?"
"Sex happens when a man and woman get married," her mother replies. "The man
puts his penis into the woman's vagina and they make a baby."
The little girl thinks for a minute and says, "Mommy, last night I saw you
with Daddy's penis in your mouth! What do you get when you do that?" Her
mother smiles and says, "Jewelry!"
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| Posted by ~*Angel*~ on 10-Aug-2005 | Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman1. Whine
2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying
for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,
tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.
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| Posted by Karla Beals on 10-Aug-2005 | Poker ManHaving a man in your life is like a deck of cards:
You need a heart to love them.
You need a diamond to marry them.
You need a club to beat them.
And you need a spade to bury the bastards.
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| Posted by Matt A. Fennell on 10-Aug-2005 | Victoria's secretA man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can
find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and
come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
"This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing
it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top
of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd
think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!
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| Posted by J R on 10-Aug-2005 | Things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to anotherThat swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go
introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm
happy for them both.
If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
Why
I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt *is* fat!
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| Posted by K9mom on 10-Aug-2005 | Going to the Bathroom in a Monk's HomeThere was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the
nearest house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, ''Can I please
use the bathroom?'' The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in
the bathroom he heard this clink, clink, and clink. When he was finished he went
to the monk and asked, ''What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?'' The monk
said, ''I can't tell you, you're not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two
years.''
So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk
again what the noise was. The monk said, ''I can't tell you, you're not a high
monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.'' So the man went, came back and
then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, ''I can't
tell you, you're not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.'' So
the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.
And the monk said, "The pipes bang sometimes. Aren't I a passive aggressive
sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren't you a
sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?"
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