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| Posted by Dean C. Hughes on 14-Aug-2005 | What Is EasterThree blondes died and were up talking to St. Peter. He said "I
have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers "Oh,
that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets
together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter just shook his head and said to the next blonde, "What
is Easter?" She answered, "Oh, that is the time of year when our
family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly
guy comes down thechimney."
Again St. Peter just shook his head. He said to the third
blonde, "What is Easter?" She said, "Oh that's when Christ died
and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."
St. Peter smiled and urged, "yes... go on..." The blonde
continued, "then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes
out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
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| Posted by dodo zhang on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa Must Be a SheI think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he is a
she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all
frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on
Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men
and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the store,
they always seem surprised to find only extra-small sweaters,
Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the
shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief
because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On
this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in
the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect
and repaint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for
carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can t possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowl full of jelly.
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.......
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
But as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth,
faith and Nat King Cole's version of The Christmas Song, it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
Merry Christmas to all :-)
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| Posted by Candy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | Fuck Valentine's DayHearts and roses and kisses galore....
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass....Fuck Valentine's Day
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| Posted by Tsalbeci on 14-Aug-2005 | Fester the Gangreen ReindeerYou know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you remember him,
The only reindeer missing a limb.
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer had a bad infected leg,
So they amputated it, and replaced it with a peg,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh in Fester's face,
They wouldn't let poor Fester park in a good wheelchair space.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Fester with your leg that's fake,
What good kindling wood you'd make.
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer, you're our favorite amputee.
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| Posted by stephen w. mckenna on 14-Aug-2005 | The 12 Days of an AOL ChristmasOn the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me:
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech
3 error messages
2 pieces of junk mail (just 2?)
and a jerk cursing in a chat room!
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():holiday jokes (333): The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas... |
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 14-Aug-2005 | The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To
avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry
Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy
Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder
(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for
celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
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