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| Posted by yazziegurl on 14-Aug-2005 | When I Was Your Age
My uncle said, "How do you get to school?"
"By bus," I said. My uncle smiled.
"When I was your age, I walked barefoot a whole mile."
My uncle said, "How much weight can you lift?"
"Seven pounds," I replied. My uncle laughed.
"When I was your age, I could lift a calf."
"How many fights have you had?" my uncle asked.
"Two," I replied, "and I got whipped both times."
"When I was your age, I had four fights every day, and I was
never beaten."
My uncle asked, "How old are you?"
I said, "Seven and a half." My uncle huffed out his chest and
said, "When I was your age...
I was eight."
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| Posted by Max Willman on 14-Aug-2005 | Happy ButtOnce there was a girl. It was her first day in the 1st grade.
When she came in the teacher asked her what her name was. The
girl said Happy Butt. Well, the teacher was not very happy and
put the girl in time out. After her five minutes of time out the
teacher again asked her what her name really was. Again, the
girl answered "My name is Happy Butt.". So she said in time out
again. Five minutes later the teacher came up to her and said
"If you don't tell me your real name you will have to go to the
principal.". The girl still replied with Happy Butt. So, she
went to the principal. She waited for the principal to come and
talk to her. The principal came in, and asked her what her name
was. She said "My name is Happy Butt." The prinicipal said "If
you don't tell me the truth I will call your Mom." So the little
girl again responed "My name is Happy Butt." So, the principal
called the girl's mother. The prinicipal asked the girl's mom
what her name really was. The mother answered "Her name is
Gladice". So the principal said Thanks and hung up. Then, he
went to the little girl and said, "Your name is not Happy Butt,
it is Gladice." So the little girl said "Glad Ass, Happy Butt,
what's the difference?"
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| Posted by Noppong Suwanvet on 14-Aug-2005 | Genie in the LampOnce upon a time, a young man was walking along the shores of a
beach. As he was walking he happened to stumble upon a lamp.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, and reached down and picked it up. He
rubbed the lamp and a genie came out. "I will give you three
wishes" said the genie, "you may make them whenever you like".
The man was thrilled and replied, "I wish for a billion
dollars!" Poof! He had a suitcase full of money. "I wish for
100 cars!" Poof! He had one hundred Audis, Jags, and Porsches,
all in different colors. The man paused... "I think I'll make
my third wish later." The genie nodded and disappeared. Three
days later, the man was driving around in his blue Jag when
suddenly his favorite song came on the radio. By pure instinct
he began to sing along. "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mier
Weiner..." Poof! He turned into a hot dog!
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| Posted by Natalie -. Z on 14-Aug-2005 | How Deep Is That Thing?Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it
is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no
noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great
big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into
the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look
on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT
sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like
the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in
the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You
bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My
goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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| Posted by Ben Hadden on 14-Aug-2005 | overweight planeA plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, "Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i'll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane." The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, "Remember England
and the great Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
"Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!" and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
"Remember the Alamo!" and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.
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| Posted by Bunny Babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do in the mall1.Lie in the middle of the mall, motionless. Scare anyone who
comes near you.
2.Walk up to someone and say "I know where you live. I just
don't know where I live, can you help me?"
3.Start a song
4.Hide in fake plants and throw french fries at people
5.camp out
6.Visit santa several times. try to cut in line.
7.Try on all the shoes in a shoe store.
8.Take the coins people throw in the fountain
9.replace a manakin with yourself
10.Act mentally retarted and go around asking people if they've
seen your baseball
11.Hide and go seek
12.Buy fish from a pet store and release them in the fountain
13.Take a stroller and put a baby doll in it. Run it around at
high speeds and let it go.
14.try to start a cult
15.baptise someone in the fountain
16.steal all the straws and napkins in the food court. sell them
at high prices
17.water fake plants
18."test" the chairs until they kick you out.
19.Take a nap in a display bed
20.Wear cruthes. Fall down and see how many people help you
21.try to "posess" somebody
22.perform an exorcism on an old, grumpy person
23.Have a staring contest with the manakins
24.Get into a violent argument with a manakin
25.sit next to someone on a bench. Then say "did you grab my
ass?"
26.Pretent to be blind. Take a cane and whack people with it
27.wear a sign that says Pony Ride: 25 cents!
28.walk around in an orange jumpsuit.
29.confiscate items that people have already bought
30.Walk up to some one and say proudly "I remembered my pants
today!
By Bink2001 "Funny.com saved my life!"
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