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():funny quotes (263): "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a whole |
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| Posted by Lorelea on 09-Aug-2005 | "When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. It's a wholeElaine Boosler
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():funny quotes (263): "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a... |
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 07-Aug-2005 | "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a..."Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as
Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works,
'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson
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():funny quotes (263): "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort... |
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by Thalia G. Grace on 14-Aug-2005 | Ineffective Daily AffirmationsAs I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting
parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --
blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
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