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| Posted by TAISHA on 09-Aug-2005 | Where is this place?A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
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| Posted by Mandy O. on 09-Aug-2005 | Horse tripA woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.
However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.
"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks.
"Yessum," the cab driver cheerfully replies, "but, I've got to save his balls for the hill!"
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| Posted by Jake Russell on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline ShuffleDuring the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
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| Posted by Jenna M. Glickman on 14-Aug-2005 | 30 Things to Do in a Car1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make itdance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back,offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow down...to a stop. Then get
out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
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| Posted by Robert Letch on 14-Aug-2005 | Currency ExchangeAn Asian Guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen
and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.
He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady
says: "Fluctuations." The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming
the door, turns around and says: "Fuck you Americans too!"
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| Posted by Dreamer on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersJesus loves you.... Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Hang up and drive!
GUYS, no shirt, no service, GALS, no shirt, no charge.
Heart attacks, God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wonder, Its too small to be out by
itself.
The proctologist called, the found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any
film.
Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people,
"EVERYBODY BUT ME!"
Don't like my driving, Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Hows My Driving? 1-800-EAT-SHIT
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