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| Posted by Christine Daae on 14-Aug-2005 | Which is Best?CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid |
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| Posted by Emily P. Giles on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy |
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| Posted by Steph Reddin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy14. Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.
13. You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.
12. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
11. At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
10. Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.
9. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.
8. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
7. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.
6. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures
5. The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.
4. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.
3. Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"
2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.
1. You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys 'R' Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, "Wanna trade Furbies?"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by babygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa's HelpersHow do English teachers refer to Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses!
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| Posted by Ryan Gould on 14-Aug-2005 | Mutilated X-Mas Carols(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!
(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
(To The Tune Of Silent Night)
Friday night,
Holy night
Me and my chick
got into a fight,
Boy I miss her now that she's gone,
I go and visit her at Forest Lawn,
Sleep in heavenly peace...
Sleep in heavenly peace.
(To The Tune Of Frosty The Snowman)
Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.
There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.
Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said,
and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.
(To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)
Oh you better not shout,
you better not cry, You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow,
he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo.... You better not pout,
you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
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| Posted by Mike Cook on 14-Aug-2005 | Ken's LetterDear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability t change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
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