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| Posted by Fantastique Lindsay on 14-Aug-2005 | Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit
goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and
keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same
time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been
naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
DILBERT: I hate when the title gives away the plot!
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| Posted by Dastir on 14-Aug-2005 | Guard DogIn the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy." The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no
guard dog!" The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."
The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"
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| Posted by Tina B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Flying TurtleDeep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 14-Aug-2005 | Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind ManA blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't
control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Stuttering CatLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
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| Posted by Chandler on 14-Aug-2005 | The 2 IrishmenPaddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one?"
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