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| Posted by Galactic Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Santa Can't ExistThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18)
in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan)
religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15%
of the total, or 378 million(according to the Population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that
there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31
hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth,assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a
good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump
into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the
earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the
job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would
need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the
same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into
flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them
and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on
his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result
of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds,
would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250
pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to
the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering
blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
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| Posted by Marco The Great on 14-Aug-2005 | Hillbillies on HalloweenWhat do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
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| Posted by David S. Cornwell on 14-Aug-2005 | Visit Between the HolidaysIf your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I
visit you between the holidays?
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| Posted by Bill D. Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | SantaAs a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And
what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?!"
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| Posted by Chuckler on 14-Aug-2005 | Two old menOne day two old men decided to go to London. That meant that they will
have to take a bus to the nearest town and catch a train there,they never
went on a train before. To eat on the journey they brought bananas, they
haven't eaten bananas before, either. On the train one of them decided to
eat his banana just as the train entered a tunnel.
"Did you eat your banana yet?" asked the man who ate his banana.
"No" replied his partner.
"Well don't, I just ate mine and went blind for a few minutes"
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treati |
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| Posted by dan mcclenaghan on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treati10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-spouses live
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