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():holiday jokes (333): Winter Q and A


Posted by Justin Hoefner on 14-Aug-2005

Winter Q and A

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas
time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but it's the
fathers who want to play with them.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.

Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive?"
Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names..."

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies?
A: Snowballs.

   

2 people have rated this joke:
5.50/10
     

():holiday jokes (333): Turkey Shot Out of the Oven...


Posted by Chuckler on 11-Aug-2005

Turkey Shot Out of the Oven...

Turkey Shot Out of the Oven...

The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.
   

4 people have rated this joke:
5.50/10
     

():holiday jokes (333): Santa's Pick Up Lines


Posted by WhlteFlre on 14-Aug-2005

Santa's Pick Up Lines

* I know when you've been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk,
sister!

* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

* Some of my best toys run on batteries...

* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do
you?

* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!

* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

   

2 people have rated this joke:
5.50/10
     

():holiday jokes (333): Bah Humbug Christmas


Posted by Jen Z on 13-Aug-2005

Bah Humbug Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
   

4 people have rated this joke:
5.00/10
     

():holiday jokes (333): Things That Sound Dirty


Posted by Gabrielle Delaney on 11-Aug-2005
Things That Sound Dirty
* "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
* "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

* "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

* "Talk about a huge breast!"

* "It's Cool Whip time!"

* "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

* "Are you ready for seconds yet?"

* "Are you going to come again next Year?"

* "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

* "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

* "Don't play with your meat."

* "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

* "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

* "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

* "You still have a little bit on your chin."

* "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

* "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

* "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

* "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

* "How many are coming?"

* "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

* "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

* "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"


   

2 people have rated this joke:
5.00/10
     

():holiday jokes (333): The Night Before Christmas


Posted by Vince Carter!!! on 14-Aug-2005
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and less I could care,
Just playing with Pepi and getting nowhere,

My hair stood on end, my feet hit the mat,
one hell of a racket, my god! what was that!

Shingles from the roof came tumbling down,
and as I looked out they were all on the ground,

I made a dive for the parlour my pants in my hands,
How much of this bullshit can one person stand,

Just as I thought twas our jolly old friend,
down the chimney he came, ass over end,

That's who it was I could tell by his dress,
All covered with deer shit, a hell of a mess,

He came limping out in a pile of soot,
bitching cause Prancer had stepped on his foot,

By his grunts and his groans his heaves and his sighs,
I knew right away he was pissed to the eyes,

He upset the tree fell over a chair,
and did nothing but bitch all the time he was there,

"All these damn kids will drive me berserk,
you have all the fun, I have all the work,"

His junk was all broken and spread on the floor,
and I saw when he turned that his britches were tore,

Exposed to the cold his ass was all blue,
he screamed, " I'll be glad when this damn night is through"

He dug and he scratched, the seven years itch,
He gave it to me the son of a bitch,

I guess all his capers finally went to my head,
I grabbed the old bastard and must have seen red,

I kicked his fat ass right out of the room,
If he ever comes back it'll still be too soon,

I heard him exclaim 'ere he drew out of site,
"Piss on you all, what a hell of a night."

   

2 people have rated this joke:
5.00/10
     

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