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| Posted by Justin Hoefner on 14-Aug-2005 | Winter Q and AQ: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas
time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but it's the
fathers who want to play with them.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive?"
Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and
call him names..."
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male
reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies?
A: Snowballs.
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| Posted by Dean C. Hughes on 14-Aug-2005 | What Is EasterThree blondes died and were up talking to St. Peter. He said "I
have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" She answers "Oh,
that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets
together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter just shook his head and said to the next blonde, "What
is Easter?" She answered, "Oh, that is the time of year when our
family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly
guy comes down thechimney."
Again St. Peter just shook his head. He said to the third
blonde, "What is Easter?" She said, "Oh that's when Christ died
and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."
St. Peter smiled and urged, "yes... go on..." The blonde
continued, "then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes
out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
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| Posted by Eric Nili on 14-Aug-2005 | Dave Barry on HalloweenI love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at
Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to
celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and
that white paste that you could eat. This is also how we celebrated
Columbus Day, Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, Easter, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's
Day, Armistice Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Thursday, etc. We brought these
decorations home to our parents, who by federal law were required to
attach them to the refrigerator with magnets.
That was a wonderful, carefree time in which to be a youngster or
construction-paper salesperson. But it all ended suddenly one day -- I'll
never forget it -- when the Soviet Union launched the first satellite,
called ``Sputnik'' (which is Russian for ``Little Sput''). Immediately all
the grown-ups in America became hysterical about losing the Space Race,
which led to a paranoid insecurity about our educational system, expressed
in anguished newspaper headlines asking, ``WHY AREN'T OUR KIDS LEARNING IN
SCHOOL?'' I wanted to answer, ``BECAUSE ALL WE EVER DO IS MAKE DECORATIONS
OUT OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER,'' but I couldn't, because my mouth was full of
paste.
But getting back to Halloween: It's still one of the most fun holidays of
the year, as well as one of the most traditional, tracing its origins back
more than 2,000 years to the Druids, an ancient religious cult that
constructed Stonehenge as well as most of the public toilets in England.
The Druids believed that one night each year, at the end of October, the
souls of the dead returned to the world of the living and roamed from
house to house costumed as Power Rangers.
And thus it is that to this day, youngsters come to our door on Halloween
night shouting: ``Trick or treat!'' According to tradition, if we don't
give the youngsters a ``treat,'' their parents will ``sue'' us. That's why
most of us traditionally prepare for Halloween by going to the supermarket
and purchasing approximately eight metric tons of miniature candy bars,
which we dump into a big bowl by the door, ready to hand out to the hordes
of trick-or-treaters.
The irony, of course, is that there ARE no hordes of trick-or-treaters,
not any more. We in the news media make darned sure of that. Every year we
publish dozens of helpful consumer-advice articles, cheerfully reminding
parents of the dangers posed by traffic, perverts, poisoned candy, and
many other Halloween hazards that parents would never think of if we
didn't remind them (``Have fun, but remember that this year more than
17,000 Americans will die bobbing for apples'').
The result is that many children aren't allowed to go trick-or-treating,
and the ones who ARE allowed out come to your house no later than 4:30
p.m., wearing reflective tape on their Power Rangers costumes and trailed
at close range by their parents, who watch you suspiciously and regard
whatever candy you hand out as though it were unsolicited mail from the
Unabomber.
So for most of Halloween, your doorbell is quiet. This means that you pass
the long night alone, hour after hour, just you and the miniature candy
bars. After a while they start calling seductively to you from their bowl
in their squeaky little voices.
``Hey, Big Boy!'' they call. ``We're going to waste over here!''
As the evening wears on they become increasingly brazen. Eventually they
crawl across the floor, climb up your body, unwrap themselves and force
themselves bodily into your mouth. There's no use hiding in the bathroom,
because they'll just crawl under the door and tie you up with dental floss
and threaten to squeeze toothpaste in your eye unless you eat them. At
least that's what they do to me. By the end of the night my blood has the
same sugar content as Yoo-Hoo.
But eating huge amounts of candy allegedly purchased for youngsters is
only part of the Halloween tradition. The other part is buying a pumpkin
and carving it to make a ``jack-o'-lantern,'' which sits on your front
porch, a festive symbol of the age-old truth -- first discovered by the
Druids -- that there is no practical use for pumpkins.
Here's how to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern:
1. Cut a lid on top of the pumpkin.
2. Pull off the lid and peer down into the slimy, festering pumpkin bowels.
3. Put the lid back on and secure it with 200 feet of duct tape.
(This is also the traditional procedure for stuffing a turkey.)
But however you celebrate Halloween, make sure you remember this important
safety tip: (IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP GOES HERE). Otherwise, you will not
survive the night. I'd give you more details, but right now I need to do
something about these tiny Milky Ways crawling up my legs.
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| Posted by Lalalak on 14-Aug-2005 | Fruitcake RecipeIf you find yourself stressed about all of the Thanksgiving cooking and
company, try this sure-fire recipe. I've never liked fruitcake, but this
recipe has made me change my mind. I discovered after trying this recipe
that there isn't anything better on Friday nights after work than a HUGE
slice of this great recipe:
First, you'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, our one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the
whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two eggs
and add to the bowl and chuck in the chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix
on the tuner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Now sift
lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or
something. Whatever you can find. Now, grease the oven. Turn the cake tin
to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the tuner. Throw the bowl out the
window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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| Posted by Brian m. Spillner on 14-Aug-2005 | Psychological Christmas SongsSCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
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| Posted by T E. S on 14-Aug-2005 | Rain or Snow?A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his
wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it
was just rain," he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have
a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a
communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not argue about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached,
the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or
snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman
insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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| Posted by Becky Holland on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa's VisitIt's Christmas Eve, and Santa arrives in the ghetto. He jumps down the
chimney and is met by a small child who is caught by surprise.
Santa bellows out a hearty "Ho, Ho, Ho!" before opening his pack.
Hearing Santa's words, the little boy runs through the living room and
hollers, "Mom, it's for you!".
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| Posted by Candy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | Fuck Valentine's DayHearts and roses and kisses galore....
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass....Fuck Valentine's Day
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| Posted by Tsalbeci on 14-Aug-2005 | Fester the Gangreen ReindeerYou know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you remember him,
The only reindeer missing a limb.
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer had a bad infected leg,
So they amputated it, and replaced it with a peg,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh in Fester's face,
They wouldn't let poor Fester park in a good wheelchair space.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Fester with your leg that's fake,
What good kindling wood you'd make.
Then how the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee,
Fester the Gangreen Reindeer, you're our favorite amputee.
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| Posted by Galactic Girl on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Santa Can't ExistThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18)
in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of
Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan)
religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15%
of the total, or 378 million(according to the Population
Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that
there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31
hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time
zones and the rotation of the earth,assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a
good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump
into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the
earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the
job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would
need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting
the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the
same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into
flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them
and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on
his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result
of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds,
would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250
pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to
the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering
blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
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| Posted by Marco The Great on 14-Aug-2005 | Hillbillies on HalloweenWhat do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
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| Posted by David S. Cornwell on 14-Aug-2005 | Visit Between the HolidaysIf your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I
visit you between the holidays?
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| Posted by Bill D. Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | SantaAs a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And
what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?!"
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| Posted by Chuckler on 14-Aug-2005 | Two old menOne day two old men decided to go to London. That meant that they will
have to take a bus to the nearest town and catch a train there,they never
went on a train before. To eat on the journey they brought bananas, they
haven't eaten bananas before, either. On the train one of them decided to
eat his banana just as the train entered a tunnel.
"Did you eat your banana yet?" asked the man who ate his banana.
"No" replied his partner.
"Well don't, I just ate mine and went blind for a few minutes"
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| Posted by dan mcclenaghan on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick Or Treati10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge
your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-spouses live
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| Posted by Mike T. Bokinskie on 14-Aug-2005 | The "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas...On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To
avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry
Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy
Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder
(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for
celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
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| Posted by stephen w. mckenna on 14-Aug-2005 | The 12 Days of an AOL ChristmasOn the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me:
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech
3 error messages
2 pieces of junk mail (just 2?)
and a jerk cursing in a chat room!
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| Posted by Tevin mcguire on 14-Aug-2005 | The WORST thing that could happen everTHIS IS A TRUE STORY:
It was spring vacation and my friend wasn't going anywhere. her
mom felt really bad for her so she took her to a spa. she didn't
like that so they dicited to go home early. her mom still felt
sortove bad so she acted like she made a wrong tern and she went
to the beach. what my friend didn't know was that her mom was a
real partier so she was left out in everything! there was this
concert the next day and her mom literly went on the stage and
brung my friend up there. her mom went off the stage and
everybody started to screem my frends name. she got so excited
that she through off her shirt
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| Posted by Vortex on 11-Aug-2005 | Santa ClausSanta Claus is Wielding a Gun
(to the tune of ''Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'')
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
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| Posted by Alli E. Suriani on 11-Aug-2005 | You Killed the Easter Bunny!A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in Heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said, "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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| Posted by Lili M. B on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Rejected Christmas15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"
2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"
1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'
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| Posted by kalee on 11-Aug-2005 | Things That Sound Dirty* "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
* "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
* "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
* "Talk about a huge breast!"
* "It's Cool Whip time!"
* "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
* "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
* "Are you going to come again next Year?"
* "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
* "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
* "Don't play with your meat."
* "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
* "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
* "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
* "You still have a little bit on your chin."
* "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
* "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
* "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
* "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
* "How many are coming?"
* "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
* "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
* "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
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| Posted by Falcon Falcon on 11-Aug-2005 | The Christmas BikeA little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"
"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied "Yes Sir".
"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.
"Yes", said the Officer.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.
"Yes he did!" said the officer.
"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.
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| Posted by Dan Harrigan on 11-Aug-2005 | Season's Greetings!The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
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| Posted by FireTiger on 11-Aug-2005 | Nude SunbatherJoan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 11-Aug-2005 | Jewish Santa ClausWhat does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
"Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?"
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| Posted by Kathryn C. Buford on 11-Aug-2005 | Cruise StoriesThese are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."
6. Someone -- always a man -- always asks, "does the ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."
7. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
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| Posted by Douglas D. Badong on 09-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines...
Top 16 Passover Pickup Lines
16. Let's play 'bury the shank bone'.
15. Gefilte fish jelly makes great lubrication.
14. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac.
13. Have you ever done it on a seder plate?
12. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome.
11. Let's make this night really different from all others nights.
10. Want to wander through my desert?
9. Nice Hagadah!!!
8. What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
7. Rabeinu, Moshe Rabeinu. OO7!
6. Would you like to play with my matzah balls?
5. Can I part your Red Sea?
4. There's no law against leavened _______!!!
3. I've got a Ramses in my pockets that wants to put you back into slavery!
2. May I climb your Mt. Sinai's?
AND THE NUMBER ONE PASSOVER PICKUP LINE....
1. Wanna look for MY afeikomen?
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| Posted by betsy minton on 09-Aug-2005 | THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT...
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
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