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| Posted by Evan Lemoine on 10-Aug-2005 | Woman Like a Condom?Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
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| Posted by Allison A. Harwell on 10-Aug-2005 | EggQ: What does an egg say after it's put in a bowl of boiling water?
A: How do you expect me to get hard when I've just been laid?
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| Posted by Sarah H. Griffin on 12-Aug-2005 | Super-Duper One-Liners!Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
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Why don't Italians have acne?
It slides off.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong!
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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind?
A Mechanic.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment!
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
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Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo!"
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE- "He fell".
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Q. How do you make a cat drink?
A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur.
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Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
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Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning?
A. "See ya."
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Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.
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Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing... yet.
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| Posted by Lagmaster2000 on 12-Aug-2005 | ******Spongebob Square Boobs******Why did Spongebob have square headlights(boobs)?
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Because he forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
(For you blondes out there it means when he was trying to stuff his bra instead of taking the tissues out of the tissue box he just put the whole box in his bra. P.S To blondes this might not be funny since I know most of you have done this before)
*cds*
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| Posted by Prankster (Jake) on 14-Aug-2005 | Hey!!!!A man (Mike) and a woman (Sandra) were stranded on a deserted island for many years. They weren't really in love, but they liked one another very well. They sort of depended on one another as "husband and wife" in their stranded situation.
The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Joe) washed up on shore. After Joe got to feeling better and had a bit of rest and food, Joe and Sandra immediately realized they shared a VERY strong attraction for one another, but they realized that certain protocols would have to be observed to not upset Mike.
Mike, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, was just glad to have someone new to talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts," Mike commented enthusiastically. Joe was only too happy to help, and in fact volunteered to do the first shift. He climbed up the tall tower and stood watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon Mike and Sandra started placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Joe yelled down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Mike and Sandra looked at each other with a question on their faces, and yelled back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minetes later, they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Joe yelled down, "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back up to Joe, "We're not screwing!"
Later they started putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, Joe, the new man, yelled down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
The two below yelled back up to Joe, "And we said we're *not* screwing! Can't you see that?"
Finally Joe's eight hour shift was over and Joe climbed down from the tower and Mike started to climb up to take his place. By the time Mike got halfway up, Joe and Sandra were already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, Mike turned around and looked down and said to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing!"
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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Reflections by George Carlin1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
11. One out of every three Canadians is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
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