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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 14-Aug-2005 | WoodpeckersA Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck
successfully.
After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion.....
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home!!
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| Posted by Gary E. Suter on 14-Aug-2005 | Good DoctorA doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you're the first......"
This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "...but they probably weren't vets."
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| Posted by Ali R. Cesta on 14-Aug-2005 | EscargotThere once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him.
"Snail," he says. "I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask."
The snail can't believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, "Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!"
The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.
"And" continues the snail. "I want a bright, golden "S" painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette."
"You shall have your wish," responds the Leprechaun.
With the wave of his hand, the snail's wish is granted. And now, whenever the snail roars through the forest in his shiny new corvette, with the big "S" on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say....
"Wow! Look at that crazy "S" car go!!!!"
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| Posted by keri kirkles on 14-Aug-2005 | OctopusA guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc...
So he says that he will wager 500 quid to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his #500.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?"...
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it???, I'm going to shag it, as soon as I get its pajamas off."
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| Posted by melanie on 14-Aug-2005 | The Right Tool for the JobA horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
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| Posted by Sherls on 14-Aug-2005 | Got any Grapes?A talking duck waddles into a stop 'n' rob and asks the sales guy, "Got any grapes?"
"No," answered the guy.
The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have any grapes!"
The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any grapes?"
In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes! You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"
Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?"
The guy says "NO!"
The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"
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