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| Posted by Someone Funny on 09-Aug-2005 | World recordsThree leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, 'Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein' a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.'
'What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit? You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for,' says Sean.
'Well, it's me hands, Sean,' Mick says, waving them around. 'I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous.'
The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.
A little while later Kevin pipes up, 'Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.'
The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, 'How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?'
Kevin replies, 'It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet,' and he takes his boots to show them. 'I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.'
The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.
Some time later Sean chimes in, 'Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.'
The others fall about laughing.
'What de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?' cries Sean.
'It's me dick,' he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.
'Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean', says Kevin. 'Days the smallest feckin' dick I ever saw,' and with that they all go back to their drinking.
Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street.
'Jaysus,' he says, 'I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured' and off he staggers.
Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. 'I did it. I did it,' he says. 'I'm in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobody's got smaller hands dan me,' he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. '
'Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.'
'Feck it. I will,' says Kevin and off he staggers.
Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.
'Jaysus, I'm famous,' he says. 'I've got de smallest feet in de world. I'm famous, I'm famous.'
With that Sean staggers to the office door. 'I'm gonna get me dick measured,' he says. 'I won't be long.'
The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.
Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens.
Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. 'Who de feckin' hell is Bill Gates?' he says.
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| Posted by SexyChic04 on 09-Aug-2005 | Bear in BarThis bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate"
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| Posted by Rhody J. Corcoran on 09-Aug-2005 | Cheap drinkerA man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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| Posted by ViperBoy on 09-Aug-2005 | NY bartenderA guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.
"So, where y'all from?" he asks.
"We are from," one of them answers, "somewhere where people don't end their sentences with prepositions."
"Oh," says the bartender. "So, where y'all from, bitch!"
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| Posted by Esther Hodgson on 09-Aug-2005 | Cowboy in barThis big rough lookin cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rottgutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted...In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool...
Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar.
He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow.
This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!"
After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure muscle...
He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!"
The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry."
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| Posted by maddog on 09-Aug-2005 | 5 shotsOne day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."
The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"
The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."
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