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| Posted by Nicole disclosed information on 14-Aug-2005 | World's Smartest GorillaMr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in
front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him
intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He
patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down,
the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on
one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were
copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.
All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing
so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his
eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged
against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and
beat him senseless. When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg,
he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid
means "fuck you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better
but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted
his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two
party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the
sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's
cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The
gorilla did the same. Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it
over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the
sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.
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| Posted by Tristan A. Khan on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog vs. Leopard at SafariA wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an
Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he's still not back!!"
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| Posted by Payway Elbertse on 14-Aug-2005 | Equal Opportunity EmployerA local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
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| Posted by Fred Kohn on 14-Aug-2005 | A Bloody Vampire BatA vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and
let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all
the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out
for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES,
YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said
the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"
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| Posted by Celebrities on 14-Aug-2005 | A Trip to the VetIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
My husband had to take my son's hampster to the vet. Here's
what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell my husband
there was "something wrong" with one of the two hampsters he
holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick", he said. "I'm serious
Dad, can you help?"
He put his best hampster-healer expression on his face and
followed our son into his bedroom. One of the little rodents
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. He immediately
knew what to do.
"Honey", he called, "come look at the hampster!"
"Oh my gosh!" I realized after a minute. "She's having babies!"
"What?" our son demanded. "but their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
My husband was euqally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce" He accused me.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" I
enquired. (being totally sarcastic)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" He reminded me (in
his best loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting his teeth)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie" our son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know."
I informed him. (again with the sarcasm)
By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, and decided to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a woundrous experience!" I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!!!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little hampster babies?" My husband wanted to
know. (Being totally snotty)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot appeared briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress." My husband noted.
"It's breech!" I whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" our son urged.
"Okay, okay!" Squeamishly, he reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly pull, but it
vanished again with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" our eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet." My husband said grimly.
We drove to the vet with our son holding he cage in his lap.
"Breath, Ernie, breath," he urged.
"I don't think hampsters do Lamaze." I said to him. (I think my
husband thought I was being cruel to my own son, being cruel to
my husband was one thing, but to the one that I carried for 9
months is another. HE was wrong, I was just pointing out the
obvious!)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" My husband suggested
very scientifically.
"Oh, very interresting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?"
I gulped, nodding for our son to step out.
"Is Ernie going to make it?" I asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamspter is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going
to happen...Ernie is a boy!"
"WHAT!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they
um.....er.....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back."
He blushed, glancing at me.
"Well, you know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just excited?" I
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then, I started to giggle, and then laugh and continue to laugh
loudly.
"What's so funny?" My husband demanded, while tears started
rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
"It's just....that...I'm picturing you pulling on
it's...it's...teeny little..." I gasped for more air to bellow
with laughter once more.
"That's enough!" He warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hampter
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad." our
son told my husband.
"Oh, you have NO idea, son," I agreed, collapsing into laughter
once again.
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| Posted by josh l. dowland on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 MonkeysWhy did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third Monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
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