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Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant

1. Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.

2. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?

3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.

4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?

5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?

6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT????

7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.

8. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?

9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.

10. It's Russian technology.

11. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come !!!

12. Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?

13. I used to work at Chernobyl.

14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!

15. It's your turn to wax the core.

16. How come all the big shots are leaving?

17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?

18. Is this part really necessary?

19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.

20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

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	():top list jokes (540): 15 excuses when caught sleeping at work

Posted by ~*Angel*~ on 13-Aug-2005

15 excuses when caught sleeping at work

1 Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot

2 This is just a 15 minute power nap like they faved about in that time management course you sent me to

3 I was working smarter --- not harder

4 Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper

5 Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm

6 This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people

7 I was testing the keybord for droo;-resistance

8 It worked for Reagan, didn't it?

9 Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off

10 I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend

11 This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dremt abuot work

12 I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

13 Hey! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem

14 They told me at the blood bank this might happen

15 I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker

Posted by Jena M. Graham on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker

15> "...and the best part about this Internet company you've invested in is that their list is *actually* 15 items -- that's like a 33% discount!"

14> "Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug here represent your high tech portfolio and this cast iron paperweight the current economic trends..."

13> "No, I don't mean it's time to sell eBay, I mean it's time to sell everything you own *on* eBay."

12> "Oops, I had these charts upside down!"

11> "Can I call you right back? I've got my bankruptcy attorney holding on the other line."

10> "I know you said to buy Wal-Mart, but that little sock puppet doggie was just *so* cute..."

9> "I always forget... is 'bull' the good one or the bad one?"

8> "Enough about stocks. Do you know how much money you can make in black market kidney sales?"

7> "I don't understand -- this plan worked beautifully when they did it on 'The Sopranos.'"

6> "Please don't hang up -- I'm only allowed one call..."

5> "First, the good news: you won't have any problems with capital gains taxes this year..."

4> "I recommend rolling your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart and a case of Night Train."

3> "Your position in the market? Bent over, grabbing your ankles."

2> "I can't talk long -- I'm on my cell phone and the pavement is coming up *really* fast now..."

1> "So then I said, 'What the hell is a margin call?'"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): Naughty legal phrases

Posted by _Clio_ on 08-Aug-2005

Naughty legal phrases

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

9 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

Posted by Tar on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

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