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| Posted by Jeremy W. Thompson on 14-Aug-2005 | Would You Kill My WifeA guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 14-Aug-2005 | 19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
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| Posted by kristin n. marek on 14-Aug-2005 | The Height of All EmotionsHeight of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipple.
Height of Unemployment:
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the
rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes thru
the paper.
Height of Technology:
Condom with a zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.
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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | Playing the GameTwo bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and
try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down,
and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of
pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of
the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and
clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I
don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
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| Posted by tinmil on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny's Train SetJohnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for
hours at a time while she did things around the house without
him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny.
Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him
say "All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of
you that want to get on, get the fuck on."
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny
was playing. "Young man", she said "march up to your room and
think about what I've told you about that kind of language."
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his
trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he
proceedes to say "All those who want to get off, get the fuck
off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch
in the kitchen.
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| Posted by Evangeline Serrano on 14-Aug-2005 | Big FartsOne day, Bob asked a beautiful girl out. Her name was Tammy. He
asked her if she wanted to go to the drive-in movie. She said
"sure". Bob was really excited, so when he got home he told his
Mom and asked her if she could make him a can of beans. Bob was
in so much of a rush that he gulped down the beans, got changed,
had a shower, an hour before he had to go pick her up.
Anyway, he finally left to go pick her up. She got in the car
and away they went. They started watching the movie and Bob all
of a sudden had a terrible cramp and he needed to fart. "Shit!"
he said to himself. "I need to fart but I can't because I'm with
a beautiful girl and, and, oh shit!"
He thought that he could just wait until the intermission to go
to the washroom. Finally it was intermission and he asked Tammy
if she would like some pop and popcorn. She said sure.
He got to the washroom, opened the door and saw a big line up.
"Fuck!" he said. I guess I'll wait until the end of the movie.
He went back to the car and covered his stomach.
Finally, it was the end of the movie. He said to Tammy that
he'll be right back, he has just got to go to the washroom. He
got there, opened the door and there was still a big line up.
"Damn! I guess I'll wait until after I drop her off."
So they're driving home and Bob's intestines are about to
explode. They pulled up in Tammy's driveway and Tammy said, "Oh!
My Grandparents are here, come in and say hello."
Bob thinks to himself, "Damn! I need to fart but I have to go
in." So he said "Okay". They are all sitting down at the dinner
table and Bob is about to explode. He says to himself, "I've
really got to fart so I'll just let a little bit go at a time."
Meanwhile the dog, Duke, is sitting right beside him. "Bllllght!"
Tammy's father said "Duke!" and sat back down.
"Oh my God! They think it's the dog!"
"Bllllght!"
Again Tammy's father stands up and says "Duke!"
Finally, Bob lets it go really big, it's the biggest fart you've
ever heard. "Blllhhhttgggghtttttttbang!"
Tammy's father stands up and shouts "Duke! Get the hell out of
there before he shits on ya!"
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