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| Posted by Kel on 09-Aug-2005 | Xmas timeLittle Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said,
'Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
'I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'What did Santa bring you this year?'
Luke replied, 'I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!'
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| Posted by will on 10-Aug-2005 | Big HeadJohnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the
school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
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| Posted by Erin Sullivan on 09-Aug-2005 | School CounselorSandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other end. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.
A little while later however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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| Posted by Laura Seeley on 09-Aug-2005 | My Turn NowA woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, "Are you my daddy?"
The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, "Are you my daddy?" The doctor says, "No, I'm not your father."
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, "Are you my daddy?" And the father says, "Yes, I am!"
So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!
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| Posted by Renee D. Primmer on 09-Aug-2005 | Boys Vs Girls"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1.You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2.You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
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| Posted by Cam Salisbury on 09-Aug-2005 | The question?Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: " 'Who threw the eraser at the principal?' "
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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