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():nerd jokes (650): Yet another bad set of wishes... |
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():nerd jokes (650): Precise Dating of Dinosaur Bones |
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| Posted by Tamara Davis on 13-Aug-2005 | That will teach ya??¦A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, for I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere, a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.
It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!"
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| Posted by Kristen Hi on 13-Aug-2005 | Takes All KindsA German, an Italian, and a goofy American were trying to get into the stadium at the Sydney Olympics, but the seats were all sold out. The enterprising German stripped down to his shorts and undershirt, picked up a cane fishing pole in a nearby alley, and marched right in stating boldly, "Heinrich Schneider, Germany, Pole Vault."
Noting the ease of entry, the Italian took off his outer garments, grabbed a large round stone, then just as boldly strode in the gate, announcing, "Pasquale Galento, Italy, Shot Put."
Not to be outdone, the American guy took off all but his BVD'S, went into a nearby hardward store were he purchased some barb-wire. As he approached the gate the American spoke out confidently, "Hans Dumbkopfski, USA,, Fencing."
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| Posted by Rik Armstrong on 13-Aug-2005 | Magical SledgehammerA magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from
the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told him
to pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement
block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience would
know the sledgehammer was real.
So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the
cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face
with the sledgehammer.
Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you".
The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be
fine. I promise you. Go ahead."
"Well,", the man replied, "Ok, here goes."
Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician's face.
The result was very bloody. The magician's nose was crushed, teeth fell
out and blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the
magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed
a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said,
"Ta-da!"
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