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| Posted by Chantise J. hunt on 14-Aug-2005 | Yet Even More Darwin AwardsA 34 yr. old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, police said. He was approximately 6' 2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family members "very awkward".
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who turned out to be dead on arrival at hospital), the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electric sanders (with the sandpaper removed for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the...ahem...discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him to death.
(AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having "concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer, "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his name be withheld.
A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
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| Posted by p.l. on 14-Aug-2005 | It's a sick world out thereDon't use your cutting board-- use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces... and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap...
A police officer in Dayton, Ohio has been acquitted of criminal charges after allegedly using pepper spray on Brandy Martin, a 17-year-old Wendy's restaurant worker who short-changed him at the drive-in window... we would like to commend the officer for keeping his service revolver holstered during the entire ordeal...
Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska has finally decided who she wants to marry: herself. Ms. Downes has announced plans to wed herself in front of a mirror with 200 friends and relatives in attendance... what do you get for the girl who is everything?
Simon and Schuster has rejected a book proposal from Unabomber Ted Kaczinski detailing misrepresentations during his trial. The 4-page proposal was mailed to a senior editor in a "small envelope..."
Heinz Deutsch, a resident of Pattaya, Thailand was found dead of a heart attack when his wife returned home from a shopping trip. Authorities believe that the man died from over-excitement while watching World Cup soccer on television... this can't be right. I've SEEN soccer on television...
A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won. Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realised he wasn't playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death... although "not breathing" has to be right up there...
The Humane Society of Arizona has offered a $10,000 reward for information on a rash of "kitten tapings" in the Phoenix area. Someone has been using duct tape to adhere several kittens to the pavement on Interstate 10...
Girl Scouts in New York State have received permission to kill about 70 Canada geese at Camp Woodhaven, after non-lethal efforts to remove the birds have failed. "It looks very bad for the Girl Scouts to be killing animals," said Esther Swanker, president of the Mohawk Girl Scout Council. "This will disturb a lot of people..." the good news: new pate-flavoured Girl Scout cookies...
A Dutch tourist in Spain was treated at a hospital for an adverse reaction to the drug Viagra. Doctors in Alicante reported that the man was suffering from "a 36-hour erection..." I can't find this category
in the Guinness Book anywhere...
Health officials in the Philippines insist you don't need Viagra, as long as you have regular blood-lettings. "Blood-letting is good for one's health," says regional health director Charito Alfonso-Awiten.
"The old cells in the body will be replaced, making the person look fresh and healthy..." you may also want to get rid of those old, tired internal organs too...
A former high school teacher in Compton, California has been convicted of filing a false police report after claiming that four students "soaked her in excrement." Subsequent forensic tests indicated
that the bulk of the human waste was "inside (her) slacks..."
Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for the "seventh time in a week..."
A couple in Harwood, North Dakota were surprised Friday morning when a strange man grabbed a beer from their refrigerator and walked into their bedroom. "Hey, what's up?" asked Christopher Ramirez. Ramirez later told police he thought he was in a church... that would explain the beer...
Eight people were treated for bullet wounds after a gunfight broke out at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, California this week. The San Francisco Examiner reported that the shooter and another man were fighting over the last prize at a basketball-toss game, a stuffed Tweety Bird... I tot I taw a AK-47...
Operators of a funeral home in Bradenton, Florida are in trouble over their religious beliefs. Bradenton police arrested Paula Albritton and her son, Jimmy Lee Clark, after finding a cadaver at their mortuary
with a chest cavity full of voodoo dolls...
A man at Miami International Airport jumped in an idling Florida Highway Patrol car and took off, hitting three cars before slamming into a tree. The man identified himself to police as Jesus Christ... when he
hit the tree, I distinctly heard him say "Jesus Christ..."
A Tallahassee, Florida teacher has resigned after a grand jury investigation decided he xercised "extremely poor judgement" in showing a violent horror film to his high school social studies class. Melvin Caswell says he was unaware of the controversial content of the movie, entitled "I Spit On Your Grave..."
A new Connecticut law has established a fund for people who are victims of dishonest lawyers. The Client Security Fund will cost lawyers and judges $75.00 a year... estimates are that the fund will reach 400 gazillion dollars by Friday...
Our Bozo of the Week Award goes to Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, and was caught minutes later refuelling his getaway car at a nearby gas station...
Police in Wisconsin are investigating the shooting deaths of David Butcher and Roberta Stone, calling the crime a possible murder-suicide. Kenosha Sheriff's Sgt. John Schwarz said, "They had an on-again,
off-again relationship..." I guess it's off again...
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| Posted by Danny Mendoza T. Mendoza on 14-Aug-2005 | 2004 Darwin AwardsThe Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...Yes these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year's nominees in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2 tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12 long and 3 in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blasts 'bright'.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
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| Posted by nobody Nowhere on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Moments in EngineeringIn an issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a `ird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher,loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
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| Posted by Bertha Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual Personal Ads"Actual" Personal Ads
* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.
* Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you -- choking on my odor, tripping over your purse tryingto get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.
* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red geometrical designs on them.
* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.
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| Posted by kendal on 14-Aug-2005 | Darwin Award WinnerThe Darwin Awards
The annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And 1996's winner true story is as follows: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO unit. The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 4.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 fighter pilots under full afterburners, basically causing him to become two dimensional for the remainder of his trip. The automobile, surprisingly, remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver, applied and instantly, melted the brakes. Not suprisingly, the now blown tires left thick rubber marks on the road surface just before he became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
It is estimated that the driver hit the cliff face at a whopping 468 mph, the average cruising speed of a DC-9. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
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| Posted by Nady on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 New Euphemisms for "Stupid"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
14> Routinely outsmarted by cheese
13> Three experts short of an antitrust suit
12> Three-time Darwin Award winner
11> Keeps her brain in mint condition
10> A few planets short of a federation
9> Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
8> Duh! on parade
7> Still cutting with rounded scissors
6> He's a T-1 line of pure stupid
5> At least one Brady short of a Bunch
4> Sharp as a donut
3> Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2> T minus dumb and counting
1> "Good afternoon, Boulder Homicide"82
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 13-Aug-2005 | Radio Contest
[I don't know if this is really true or not, but then I rarely worry about such things.]
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones ringing)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No.
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA Sara. They are on strike Sara helloooooo anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and--
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass. (long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,Florida.
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| Posted by jake3_14 on 13-Aug-2005 | 1998 Darwin Awards
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
The Darwin Awards Nominees:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and cuts on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
9. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.
10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. Hiss fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1). The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2). The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3). To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked patrol car parked at the front door;
4). An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died - of hypothermia.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Japan Times -- April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters.
"If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.
As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient!
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| Posted by Mr. Crapspew on 13-Aug-2005 | Cigar Anyone?A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ...fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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| Posted by april Rusch on 13-Aug-2005 | Bank RobbersThis is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999: ''Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hund! reds of smaller safes scattered throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, ''At least we'll have a bit to eat.''
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING "
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| Posted by lafonda on 13-Aug-2005 | Deer HuntersTwo goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.
A little while later one said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
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| Posted by jc spencer on 13-Aug-2005 | Smile!Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspecdor asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 13-Aug-2005 | Survey Says...These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show "Family Feud" - Name something a blind person might use - A sword
- Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
- Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
- Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
- Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
- Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
- Name something that floats in the bath - Water
- Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
- Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
- Something you put on walls - Roofs
- Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
- Something associated with the police - Pigs
- A sign of the zodiac - April
- Something slippery - A con man
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
- A food that can be brown or white - Potato
- Something with a hole in it - Window
- A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
- Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
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| Posted by christina share on 13-Aug-2005 | Actual Accident SummariesThe following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
- Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
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| Posted by Jim Keller on 13-Aug-2005 | Wanted: The Pillsbury DoughmanKILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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| Posted by Dan Linsky on 13-Aug-2005 | Dummies1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting ''Please come out and give yourself up.''
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ''Give me all your money or I'll shoot,'' the man shouted, ''That's not what I said!''
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ''My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'' the doctor asked. ''No!'', the man shouted, ''This is her husband!''.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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| Posted by sea chelle on 14-Aug-2005 | EscapedThree men escape from prison. The first tells the others that the security will soon be looking for them.
So, he suggests that each one of them climb a tree, and when the guards come, to make animal sounds and hopefully they will move on. All agree, and they all climb into different trees and try to hide.
A while later, security guards arrive and began searching. They thought they saw something in the first man's tree, so they shine their flashlight into the branches and say "Anyone UP there?" "Tweet, Tweet" comes from the tree, so one of the guards says "Oh, it's only a bird!, move on." The guards then look into another tree and says "Anyone UP there?" and the second man replies
"Whhoo, Whhoo". "Ah! It's only an owl!, lets go!" The guards proceed to look at the next tree, and ask "I wonder if one of the prisoners are up there?"
Shining the flashlight, they listened intently...
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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| Posted by nalon r. baker on 14-Aug-2005 | New BoatersLast summer, down on Lake Isabella, (located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California) some folks who were new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.
It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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| Posted by chips on 14-Aug-2005 | New Truck, Old DogMichigan, USA.
Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets ahold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.
Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now. The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find covep, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice. BOOM ! Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.
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| Posted by Tombelgirie on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes - Please Engage Brain Before Speaking - "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- singer Mariah Carey.
- Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
- "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22.
- "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
- "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
- "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
- "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.
- "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
- "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
- "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
- "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
- "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
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| Posted by Rebecca A. Detrich on 14-Aug-2005 | Man in Calif. Sues Tom RidgeMAN IN CALIF. SUES TOM RIDGE OVER DUCT TAPE ADVICE
Corona, CA(Corona Times)
Tom Ridge's advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush.
Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B & B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual disfunction after he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.
"After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself", Bosell said. "When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well."
Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape as test of "Homeland Security". When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.
"I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyways and I now have another lawsuit pending" Bosell said with tears streaming down his face. "They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked out".
Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. "President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool." Bosell sobbed.
The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell's lawsuit.
Only in California...
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| Posted by Steve k. jackson on 14-Aug-2005 | More of Our Good Friend DarwinThe Darwin awards are given to people who have done their best to aid humanity in eliminating (their own) undesirable genes from the human gene pool.
More Darwin Award Nominees:
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine Court District attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off. "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday, with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
O.K.... one more, but that's it:
Another true story of a guy in L.A. who was afraid of heights, and had to go up on his roof to adjust his TV antenna. So he tied a rope around himself, and tied the other end to the bumper of his car. Well, he should have told his wife . She went out and got in the car to go to the store. The man was pulled off the roof and dragged down the street before someone alerted the wife to the fact that she had some extra cargo. The man was rushed to the hospital where he spent a couple of weeks recovering, more or less.
Unfortunately, the story does not end there. To make amends, the wife planned a little surprise party for her husband the day he returned home. She invited several couples over to enjoy the festivities, most of them smokers. Since the wife and husband smoked too, they had several lighters around the house, and the wife decided to fill them before the guests arrived. To be safe, she took them all into the bathroom and filled them over the toilet.
Have you guessed yet? Yes, the husband used the bathroom immediately afterward, and threw his cigarette into the toilet while sitting.
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| Posted by David Baughman on 13-Aug-2005 | Wishes split three waysThere were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed up on the shore. The men saw it and picked it up.
The men rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.
The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking, the man finally said, "I wish I was back at home." Then, poof, he disappeared.
The second man thought about his wish also. Finally, the man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." Then, poof, he vanished.
The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came to him.
The third man said, "I wish that my two best friends were back on this island with me." Poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.
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| Posted by Eastieboy on 13-Aug-2005 | Calculating statistics of injuryA man (If you like, a blond) who often travels by plane calculates the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight. It's low, but not low enough, so the man always carries a bomb in his suitcase knowing that he'll be safe.
After all, the odds of two bombs on a flight are almost impossible!
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BONUS JOKE VARIATION!!!
A man went to a hunting shop and asked if he could buy one bullet. The clerk thought for a second and said, sure, why not. The man gets his bullet and takes out a pen and meticulously inscribes his name on the bullet.
The clerk, watching this says, "hey buddy, why'd you write on your bullet?"
"Well, they say there's a bullet out there with my name on it, so I figured I'd better keep track of it!"
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| Posted by cathy b on 13-Aug-2005 | Dumb bank robberThis is a true story out of San Francisco, but, of course you're reading it on the Internet so we know how valid THAT statment is...
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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