|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
():holiday jokes (333): You Know You are Overdoing Thanksgiving When... |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Angel Paterson on 14-Aug-2005 | You Know You are Overdoing Thanksgiving When... - Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
- The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
- You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
- Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
- Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
- A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"
- That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
- Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
- You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
- Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Alycia on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."
13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."
12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright frightening!"
11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"
10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."
9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"
8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
6. "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"
5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"
4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this year -- it's a height thing."
3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"
2. "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never know the difference."
1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Christine Daae on 14-Aug-2005 | Which is Best?CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Emily P. Giles on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Steph Reddin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy14. Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.
13. You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.
12. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
11. At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
10. Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.
9. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.
8. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
7. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.
6. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures
5. The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.
4. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.
3. Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"
2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.
1. You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys 'R' Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, "Wanna trade Furbies?"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by babygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa's HelpersHow do English teachers refer to Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
