|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Bob Jones on 09-Aug-2005 | You Know You'reYou get kicked out of all-you-can-eat restaurants.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Matt A. Fennell on 09-Aug-2005 | The Mexican FirefighWhat did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Hose A and Hose B
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Laurie Hiestand on 09-Aug-2005 | Drink This In MemoryThe bartender was washing his glasses when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked, ???Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar???? The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!??? ???Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by lois_518 on 09-Aug-2005 | A Nutty GameA doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ana N. Facchin on 09-Aug-2005 | Mistaken IdentityA drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by OWEN PSYCO on 09-Aug-2005 | Yo Mama's So FatShe fell in love...and broke it!!!
She has to put on her belt with a boomerang!
I have to take a train, a plane, and 2 buses to get on her good side!
A picture of her fell off the wall!
Her tailor takes her measurements in light years!
Her picture takes two frames!
Her favorite blouse is a tent!
Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
Even her shadow has stretch marks!
When she gets on the scale it says "To be continued.!???
Her blood type is rocky-road!
One day when she got in a fight and the person fighting her got lost in her!
She could sell shade!
She DJ's for the ice cream truck!
She eats cereal out of a satellite dish!
She has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other!
She has to iron her pants on the driveway!
After she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week!
When she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton!
When the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them!
When the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted, she said the one on the roof!
She sweats Crisco!
She uses bacon for Band-aids!
When she goes to the drycleaners and hands in her underwear they say "sorry no parachutes accepted!"
What if she weighed 5 more pounds she could get group insurance!
When she went to the Rose Parade everyone thought she was a float!
When she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon!
When she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across the great lakes!
When she wears a yellow raincoat, people run after her and call "Taxi!"
When she wears a yellow raincoat, kids line up behind her thinking she's the school bus!
When she wears a red dress kids yell "Hey Kool-Aid Man!"
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 7 years to live!
When she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
She cut her leg and gravy dripped out!
She can lay down or stand up and her height doesn't change!
One day she was cleaning out her rolls and a car fell out!
NASA orbits satellites around her!
On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747!
I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass!
I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he said he'd seen her too!
I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8!
I ran around her twice and got lost!
She got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
She goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay."
She fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
She fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
I gotta take 3 steps back just to see all of her!
Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters!
Her belly jiggle is the first ever, perpetual motion machine!
Her belt size is the equator!
Even God couldn't raise her spirits!
Even Richard Simmons laughs at her!
Every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil!
Her car is made of spandex!
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
Her college graduation picture was an aerial!
All of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor!
Her skates went flat!
She has to use sleeping bags for tube socks!
She jumped for joy and got stuck!
She jumped up in the air and got stuck!
She looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
She looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids!
She made weight watchers go blind!
She makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic!
She pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
She puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
She don't know whether she's walking or rolling!
At the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
When she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!
When she walks across the living room, the radio skips!
When she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to haul her back into the ocean!
You can pinch an inch on her forehead!
When she travels, she's gotta make two trips!
When she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!
When she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!
When she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show!
You can't even see her legs, it just looks like she's gliding across the floor!
When she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time, please."
When she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled "Hey! Stop that Twinkie."
When she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower!
When she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station!
When she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her the key to the store!
When she hauls ass, she has friends come help!
When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
When she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur!
When she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks "Where can I try that on?"
When she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy."
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate!
When she gets in an elevator, it has to go down!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
