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():top list jokes (540): You Know You're From Northern New York When... |
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| Posted by Fiona L. Holliday on 14-Aug-2005 | You Know You're From Northern New York When...You only own three spices -- salt, pepper and ketchup You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit The mosquitoes have landing lights You have more miles on your snow blower than your car You have 10 favorite recipes for venison True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow You think everyone from the city has an accent You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof You think the start of deer season is a national holiday You head south to go to your cottage You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck You know which leaves make good toilet paper The mayor greets you on the street by your first name There is only one shopping plaza in town The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo -- its sausage making You find -20F a little chilly The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots You can play road hockey on skates Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout You know the 4 season: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends
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| Posted by Nat Wat on 14-Aug-2005 | Age... - Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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| Posted by Curtis R. Long on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs You're Really Broke - American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
- Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
- Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
- You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
- You receive care packages from Europe.
- Your bologna has no first name.
- You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
- You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
- McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
- Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
- The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
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| Posted by Kaylee R on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Cochranisms for ...NOTE FROM CHRIS: Attorney Johnny Cochran, in his defense of O.J. Simpson, came up with the now-famous rhyme, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit."
12. If your hair has a smell, it must be that gel.
11. If the coach is a dope, he ought to be choked.
10. If the kids are all crotchety, they must have Tamagachi.
9. If she's loose at the lip, she must be a Tripp.
8. If the Cowboys pay cash, then Irvin didn't slash.
7. If it was written by Carlin, clean your disk out by mornin'.
6. If the talk show stars Magic, it's going to be tragic.
5. If you eat that Olean, your pants won't stay clean.
4. The man's no criminal, if the stain isn't seminal.
3. If your tummy needs Beano, place the blame on El Nino.
2. Only *four* worthless tarts, after Ginger departs.
1. If George Michael's in the stall, better pee in the hall.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 9 Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room |
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| Posted by Cinder60 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room9. The guy at the front desk stares at your chest and asks if you could "sleep facing the clown painting."
8. They don't take American Express, but will consider stereos, VCR's or jewelry.
7. At check-in, the clerk informs you that all of the "Non-Infested" rooms are taken.
6. "Room service" is nothing more than a can of Spam and a bottle of Ripple in a brown paper bag.
5. "Marv Albert wuz here" chewed into headboard.
4. Room service answers, "This better be good, Jerry Springer's on."
3. A second look at the sign out front reveals you're at "Howard's Johnson."
2. Sign out front says, "WELCOME, NAMBLA CONVENTION"
1. "Indian Graveyard Inn" even *sounds* like a bad idea.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by caryline kelly on 14-Aug-2005 | Jeopardy categories no one wanted to seeToe cheeses of Europe
Songs about inflammation
First awful attempts at baking by pre-teen girls
Other sexual positions for dogs
Hitler's grooming utensils
Granny's fluids
Other people's great sex lives
Accidents with lawn care equipment
We hate to have to inform you of....
Death metal lullabies
Political views of actors & pop musicians
Gilbert Gottfried's operatic interpretations
Brilliant philosophies of Usenet
Love poetry of pederast priests
Why Madonna is a bitch
Psychiatric ward checker matches of Austria
Customized 9-iron handles
Cavalcade of nausea
Alternate heroin injection sites
Snotty New York waiters
Why Frasier & Niles Crane should be sodomized hard
Body hair of Russian athletes
Frilly undergarments of macho military leaders
That pale, sweaty guy next door who stares at you a lot
Microwave oven mishaps
Adventures in Ritalin
Tax code jubilee
How to nurse a baby orangutang
Name that smell
From a roach's point of view
Nasty electrical jolts
Bondage oopsies
That's not chewing gum
Festival of rohypnal
Unintelligible help desk operators of India
Fun with sinuses
Sadistic executive staff policies
Potty training can be fun
Witty come-ons from drunks
People who should never streak
People who should never play Twister
People who should just stay home
People you'd kill with an axe if no one was looking
Buddhism for Klansmen
Love tips of cell block 8
When the USDA looks the other way
Popular DEA agents
FBI informants
RIAA love muffins
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