Funny quotes

Categories

You know you're in Arizona When:

You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent
You notice your car overheating before you drive it
You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink
You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching
You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour... and it'll be over 100 degrees
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves
You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car
You know you can make sun tea instantly
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace
The best parking place is determined by shade -- not distance
You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one
You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim" and "Cholla"
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation and yet all the streets are totally empty of both people and cars
You actually burn your hand opening the car door
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter
Sunscreen w/a formula less than 50 spf is a joke
You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mailbox
Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them
Worse -- some fools actually try to jog
You know that hot air balloons can't rise, because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car
You can understand the reason for a town named "Why"

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():top list jokes (540): Humor about Knowledge

Posted by Lance J. Gerner on 14-Aug-2005

Humor about Knowledge

The person who knows everything has the most to learn.

The less a man knows, the easier it is to convince him he knows it all.

Nothing annoys me more than a man who thinks he knows it all and does.

Feel sorry for the man who has been educated beyond his intelligence.

The only successful substitute for a lack of brain is silence.

The more a man knows himself, the less he says about it.

A wise man never blows his knows.

If a little learning is a dangerous thing, then most people are safe.

Knowing a lot is of no value if what you know isn't so.

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you just found out.

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs Your Neighbor is Preparing a Y2K Bunker

Posted by Starkiz Pop on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Signs Your Neighbor is Preparing a Y2K Bunker

14> He keeps asking if your daughters are "good breeding stock."

13> Her excuse for running over your dog? "There was a freeze-dried ice cream sale at Wal-Mart."

12> You catch him throwing cans of Spam into what you thought was an old tree stump.

11> Asks if you know anyone who would like five thousand bags of topsoil.

10> Turret with gun barrel now poking up from his kid's sandbox.

9> Fido's been getting into their flower bed for years, but this is his first land mine detonation.

8> He's throwing a New Years Eve party for "all fertile women ages 18-35."

7> What looks like a cement truck is now filling her empty pool with pork 'n' beans.

6> For weeks, he's been trying to develop a taste for his own urine.

5> Shows you her new cookbook, "450 Recipes for Rice-a-Roni."

4> Says he's building a wine cellar -- but the trucks are delivering malt liquor and Ripple.

3> Says his new shotgun is for "keeping mutants away from the womenfolk."

2> Abandons his Noah's Ark Recreation project and to slaughter and salt-cure the pairs of animals instead.

1> "Kidnap a Hooters waitress and repopulate the Earth" seems like an odd New Year's resolution.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Reality TV Has Jumped the Shark

Posted by Emma Liles on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Signs Reality TV Has Jumped the Shark

15> "The Bachelor" this season? Joey Buttafuoco.

14> Fox's latest offering: "Who Wants to Marry Ted McGinley?"

13> The public has voted that Bruce-Dogg and Big Willie from cell block H are to get married.

12> "Who Wants to Jump the Shark?" actually speeds up the entire process.

11> Saddam Hussein begs and pleads his way through "I'm a Celebrity -- Get Me Out Of Here!"

10> "For the next immunity challenge, each member of both tribes will pull my finger."

9> You tune in to find that "Blowing for Dollars" was not a misprint.

8> "Amazing Racists" only have to get from Pretoria to Johannesburg.

7> Someone finally gives viewers what they really want with "Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire?"

6> Way too many exploding stomachs on "Survivor: Hometown Buffet."

5> Aaron Neville and Cindy Crawford tie for first place in "Celebrity Mole."

4> There hasn't been a homicide on "Joe Pocket-Full-o'-Crack" in weeks.

3> The contestants on "Trading Genitals" are just a bit too eager.

2> Somebody keeps dumping chum in the "Elimidate" hot tub.

1> The most disgusting thing that "Fear Factor" contestants were forced to eat last week was a box of Marshmallow Peeps with only one eye.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes

Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes

15> Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.

14> Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.

13> In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.

12> Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.

11> Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.

10> Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.

9> Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.

8> South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!

7> Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.

6> Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.

5> Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.

4> Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.

3> Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.

2> Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.

1> White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():top list jokes (540): New Bumper stickers

Posted by whatever u. want on 14-Aug-2005

New Bumper stickers

I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.