You may no longer be cool if...

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• Your wife buys a flannel nightie and you find that sexy.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
• Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You don't know how to operate a FAX machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

What Really Happened...

• "I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
• "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
• "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
• "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
• "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
• "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
• "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
• "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
• "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
• "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, `ut it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
• "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
• "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
• "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
• "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
• "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
• "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
• "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

For those born in 1980:

• The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
• They have no memory of a time before MTV.
• "New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
• Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, and the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
• They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
• If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
• Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
• Their world has always included AIDS.
• Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.
• They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
• They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.
• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
• From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
• The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
• Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.
• If you tell them the joke about the kid pulling a CD out of the cutout bin and saying "Wow! Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings!" they will give you a blank look and ask "What's 'Wings'?"

I'd Love to But

• I want to spend more time with my blender.
• The man on television told me to say tuned.
• It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
• I'm building a pig from a kit.
• I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
• There's a disturbance in the Force.
• I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
• I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
• I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
• I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
• My plot to take over the world is thickening.
• I have to fulfill my potential.
• It's too close to the turn of the century.
• I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
• I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
• I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
• I'm trying to be less popular.
• I have to study for a blood test.
• I have to rotate my crops.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

Thoughts

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
• How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
• Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
• Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
• Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Some of Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

• A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
• If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
• And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.
• During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said ...Because you came home early.
• Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
• When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ....but he pulled through.
• My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ...I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
• On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
• My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
• I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
• I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
• My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
• When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
• I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.