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| Posted by Rachael Barbutes on 14-Aug-2005 | You Might be From a Small Town If:1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of youself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Suprising Nostradamus Predictions for the Year |
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| Posted by J W on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Suprising Nostradamus Predictions for the Year13. And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
12. The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
11. The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
10. Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
9. A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
8. Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
7. In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
6. The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
5. A child will repeatedly conquer death, and his name shall be Kenny.
4. Joy and happiness reign supreme as five billion people realize they'll never again have to listen to a much-despised song by an ex-Prince.
3. Cubs win! Cubs win! Cubs win!
2. A giant, fiery ball will drop from the skies onto the Square of Times in the New City of York, causing much screaming and wailing.
1. As the new millennium approaches, morons will cry out and hoard large quantities of food.
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| Posted by Tomy on 14-Aug-2005 | One LinersOkay, here are a few more:
What do parsley & pussy hair have in common?
You just brush them aside and keep on eating.
Why did God create women?
Because sheep can't cook.
What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.
What's the difference between a blonde and an elevator?
Not everyone's been on an elevator.
Why are blondes like 747s?
They all come equipped with black boxes.
What do blondes use to keep their ankles warm?
Their underwear.
How do Snow White and Pinnochio have a good time?
She sits on his face and says, "Lie! Lie!"
If a pair of lesbians and a pair of gay men had a cross-country car race, who would win?
The lesbians - they'd already be doing 69 while the gays were still packing their shit.
What's the most commonly heard pick up line in a gay bar?
"May I push in your stool?"
How do you get 4 gay guys on one barstool?
Turn it upside down.
What do you call a gay bar with no seats?
A fruit stand.
What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Signs the Year of the Rabbit Has Begun |
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| Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Signs the Year of the Rabbit Has Begun12> Glenn Close's corpse found floating in a hot tub.
11> Always a line for carrots in the produce section.
10> "Another Oscar? For me? Doc, you shouldn't have!"
9> Time's Men of the Year: Prince Charles and Ross Perot
8> Within a week of each other, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt both meet an untimely demise.
7> Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets. Everywhere you look, Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets.
6> Kids start wearing their ears long and droopy.
5> Dozens of checks voided after "Year of the Rat" written in the date.
4> Much better TV reception.
3> You're overcome by an incredible urge to mate indiscriminately and produce as many offspring as possible. (Or was that the Year Of The NBA Player?)
2> Scientists in the Mary Kay testing lab getting laid off by the dozen.
1> A desperate Al Stewart is forced to use the word "dagnabbit" in a rhyme.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Fermatta Aolcom on 14-Aug-2005 | THE TOP 14 REASONS WE'RE SHOUTING!!!14> A DINGO ATE MY BABY!
13> IT WOULD HAVE WORKED IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!
12> TOO HARD TO GET MAHIR THE TURKISH LOVER'S ATTENTION IN ANY OTHER MANNER!
11> BECAUSE TEARS FOR FEARS SAID SO!
10> HAVE TO BE HEARD OVER THE SCREECH OF THOSE IDIOTS STILL ACCESSING THE INTERNET OVER TRADITIONAL PHONE LINES!
9> MY POINT OF VIEW IS MY GIFT TO THE WORLD.
8> MAYBE THE FOREIGNERS WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING BETTER!!
7> BECAUSE *YOUR* BRAIN IS HARD-OF-THINKING.
6> I TOLD HER I WAS A TOP5 CONTRIBUTOR AND IT GOT ME LAID!!!!
5> I'M TYPING FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD!
4> MYU TYPIGNG SUX BAD ENUF W/O HABVING 2 HIT THW SHJIDFT KEY111.
3> JUST THINK OF ME AS A PISSED-OFF E E CUMMINGS.
2> SO ASHCROFT CAN HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR OVER THE WIRETAP.
1> YOU NEED TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD WHEN YOUR HEAD IS UP YOUR BUTT.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee |
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| Posted by Tim Brand on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee15> He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.
14> He likes his coffee like he likes his strippers: scalding hot and in his lap.
13> He likes his coffee like a major league catcher likes his privates: in a large, strong cup.
12> I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.
11> He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.
10> I like my coffee like I like surrealist humor: giraffe.
9> He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.
8> I like my coffee like I like my women: hot. Of course, the difference is I can actually *get* hot coffee.
7> I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.
6> She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.
5> I like my coffee like I like my sex: cheap and frothy, from a girl in a green apron.
4> I like my coffee like Jacko likes his playmates: sweet, aged 8 years and covered with half-and-half.
3> He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last "Ah-h-h-h!"
2> She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o' nuts.
1> I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day -- ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti-- um, sorry... cold, with a bitter aftertaste.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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