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| Posted by JumperJAS on 10-Aug-2005 | You So UglyYou so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"
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| Posted by Teresa Adams on 10-Aug-2005 | Flower Flub-o-ramaI sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I
also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. The Flower Shop got
the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said,
''RIP'', and sent the card to the funeral home that said, ''I know it's hot
where you're going, but you deserve it.''
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| Posted by Andreza M. Chaves on 10-Aug-2005 | Warm and MoistMAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN:
Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I
can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy this. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I
can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY:
Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet
paper.
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| Posted by Alex Alex on 10-Aug-2005 | English teacher is busyAt a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches
the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class
and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exhausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
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| Posted by Political jokes on 10-Aug-2005 | Troubled ManA guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day
he's driving and sees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge
to swerve and hit her -- but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't
resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes
to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites
him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the
street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an
old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the
pastor says, ??????don??™t worry. I got him with the door!''
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| Posted by Frank J. James on 10-Aug-2005 | Suburbs vs. GhettoIn the suburbs, there's grass. In the ghetto, there's grass grower.
* In the suburbs, there's ''corner stores.'' In the ghetto, there are liquor
stores, bail bonds, weed, and lottery numbers in one building.
* In the suburbs, there's microbrews. In the ghetto, there's 40 ounces.
* In the suburbs, there's homemade acid. In the ghetto, there's ''sizurp.''
* in the suburbs, the ice cream man sells just ice cream. In the ghetto, he
sells ice cream, chips, drinks, candy, and crack, weed and mix tapes.
* In the suburbs, there's a response to a 911 call. 'Nuff said.
* In the suburbs, there are neighborhood parks. In the ghetto, there are
corners.
* In the suburbs, there are lifestyles of the rich and famous. In the
ghetto, there are lifestyles of the broke and pissed off.
* In the suburbs, there's Rover, Spot, etc. In the ghetto, there's Butch,
Killa, Boo....
* in suburban schools, teachers are fired. In ghetto schools, teachers quit.
* In the suburbs, kids wear red, white or blue because they ''just like the
color.'' In the ghetto, kids wear red white or blue ''cuz that'z what I claim.'
* In the suburbs, kids come home with candy. In the ghetto, kids come home
with candy, coke can tops, crack pipes, etc.
* in the suburbs, you pop firecrackers on the 4th of July. In the ghetto, you
pop firecrackers from the end of school until Halloween.
* In the suburbs, you have ''Honey I'm home'' in the ghetto, you have ??????who
was that came in the doe'?!"
* In the suburbs, dad's oldies are the Beatles, John Denver, etc. In the
suburbs, dad's oldies are George Clinton, Zapp and Roger and the O'Jays--until
they were stolen.
* In the suburbs, teenage bands consist of drums, bass, regular guitar, and
the main vocalist. In the ghetto, teenage ''bands'' consists of a table, a
hairbrush and 15 or 20 dudes standing around taking turns freestyle'.
* In the suburbs, cable consists of 100 regular channels, and all the premium
and pay-per-view channels In the ghetto, you have cable running from next door,
60 out of the 100 channels show up, and the others need a clothes hanger and
some aluminum foil to show up halfway decent.
* In the suburbs, dad keeps his gun hid in a closet, and breaks it out during
hunting season. In the ghetto, you got to pack the steel everywhere you go.
* In the suburbs, you have community watch service. In the ghetto, you just
have the community watch signs, spray-painted over.
* In the suburbs, you have bandanas in the ghetto, you have ''rags."
* in the suburbs, you wear your jewelry. In the ghetto, you ''floss yo' ice."
* In the suburbs, if your lights are cut off, you use candles.
* In the ghetto, you take your lamp and 2 or 3 extension cords and use the
next-door neighbor's power.
* In the suburbs, potholes are in the middle of street. In the ghetto,
Michelob bottles, and cigarette butts are in the middle of street.
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