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| Posted by stemo on 12-Aug-2005 | Your mooma is fat
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| Posted by lucas moore on 13-Aug-2005 | BarbitchuateA bear walks in to the bar and asks the bartender serve me a drink the bartender says no.the bear ask why? the bartender says we dont serve to bears! the bear gets outraged and starts tearin down the bar and eats a woman and leaves. The next day the bear comes back and tells the bartender to serve him a drink or the samething will happen that happen yesterday and the bartender says I told you we dont serve to bears or drug addicts! the bear says drug addict im not a drug addict!the bartender says what about the BAR BITCH YOU ATE! KEEP IN MIND A BARBITCUATE IS A DRUG
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| Posted by BaByGuRLovesBaByTiGeR on 08-Aug-2005 | Two guys walk into a barTwo guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. ;)
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 13-Aug-2005 | Badmintonmy dog minton ate two shuttlecocks
Bad Minton Bad Minton!
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| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 13-Aug-2005 | Stupid but funny
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR.
WHAT WAS THE 1ST WORD
HE SAID.............
OUCH
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 13-Aug-2005 | OldYour so old you pee rust and fart dust
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| Posted by Xandi on 08-Aug-2005 | gorrillaIt was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, "Wanna see something neat?"
He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.
When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, "Wanna try it?"
The drunk said, "Sure, just don't hit me too hard with the bat!"
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| Posted by Marie-Eve Gagne on 09-Aug-2005 | Gay barThis man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing it's a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says "Wanna play football"
The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says "alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.
So the man says I'm goin' for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.
The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.
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| Posted by Danny Landau on 09-Aug-2005 | 15 Signs You Drank T15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping ??” with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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| Posted by Robert L. Blake on 09-Aug-2005 | A Horse Walks Into aA horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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| Posted by jennifer on 10-Aug-2005 | Making a confessionA drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional,
and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to
get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knocking,' pal.
There's no paper."
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| Posted by Bill Scoby on 12-Aug-2005 | 2 men on top off a buildingTo men are at the top of a building having a drink,and one says to the other i bet you i can jump out this window and in 5 seconds jump back in.\"NEVER\" the man says. so the man jumps out and jumps back in, so the other man says i bet i can, so he jumps out falls and dies, the barmaid comes u to the other man and says u an be a silly boy when your drunk superman
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| Posted by Faisal Moussly on 12-Aug-2005 | I will tell you a jokewell i will tell you somthing dirty a boy fell in mud i will tell you somthing clean the boy had a barthwith bubbels and i will tell you somthing sick bubbels is the girl next door
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 12-Aug-2005 | Sexy
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| Posted by Craig R. Irvine on 12-Aug-2005 | Fridge mayonaiseQ:What did the mayonaise say to the person oneping the fridge door
A:close the door im dressing
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| Posted by Dinah on 13-Aug-2005 | Assholeswhy do people scream like a asshole when Bob comes in?
i dont know, that is why i am asking you
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| Posted by wraith on 13-Aug-2005 | English man irish man & scottish manthere was a english man irish man scots & man they all went to a
magic slide the english man goes down the slide and wishes for a pot of gold and lands in a pot of gold the scottish went down the slide and wishes for a pot of silver and lands in a pot of silver the irish man goes down the slide and gose weeeeeeeee and lands in a buckit of wee !!!!!
by louis nicholson
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| Posted by Jennifer S. Chmielewski on 13-Aug-2005 | Airport JokesWhat did Mohammed say to Sahid just before they got on the plane? "Is that a bomb in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
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| Posted by bigbs16 on 13-Aug-2005 | Matapang dawsa isang bayan ng batangas may isang maton ..pag ito ay nalalasing ay lagi na lang naghahanap ng away ..isang araw ay lasing na lasing ang maton ..LABAS LUMABAS ANG MATAPANG..so alang lumabas balik uli siya sa inuman ng walang sabi sabi ay may nagpaputok ng baril..BANG!!sino yun ha ..(sabi ng lasing)AKO BAKIT MAY REKLAMO!!(SABI NAMAN NOONG NAGPAPUTOK NG BARIL)(MATON)ang lakas ng putok e bingi akooo..
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| Posted by Mike J. Rees on 13-Aug-2005 | Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't...Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.
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Funny Quotes:bar jokes | (2610) : The Top 13 Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese |
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| Posted by Terry Emhemed on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese
13> Fell for that fake back-hair removal scam. Again.
12> Mayor McCheese got a little kinky.
11> Hey, stalking Kirstie Alley isn't for amateurs.
10> "Okay, so maybe 'Gigli' didn't make a whole lot of money, but I have this idea for a great sequel...."
9> "The directions in the old family recipe I'm following are very explicit."
8> The thrill of being the future Mrs. Federline is starting to wane.
7> Participating in a lactose-intolerance clinical trial by wearing a full-body "nacho cheese" patch.
6> Excessive tequila shots + Mexican-style fondue = one nudist wedding gone seriously awry.
5> Because getting stoned in a hot pink "Home of the Whopper" boy-kini while standing ass-deep in mango chutney would be WRONG!
4> Eight Jaeger Bombs into the kegger, that babe from Omega House just *had* to ask, "So why do they call you Chip?"
3> After being ostracized from your party after that screaming incident, you really didn't have anything to lose politically.
2> Trying to beat Courtney Love to the punch.
1> You'd prefer *sober*, naked and covered with nacho cheese?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by LeaveMeBe on 08-Aug-2005 | Four Gay men in a BarQ: Four gay men walk in a bar to
have beer they find only on chair. What do they do to all sit down?
A: They turn the chair upside down and sit on the legs.
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| Posted by Laura Brown on 08-Aug-2005 | Fag barTwo fags walk into a gay bar. One fag says to the other, "Do you cum here often?"
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| Posted by Chris J. Uptmor on 08-Aug-2005 | Are you my wife?A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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| Posted by haley r. kopcho on 08-Aug-2005 | popoA MAN WAS ON A DAET HE PILAN EVERY THING HE WAS GOING TO GIVE A CHOCOLATE TO HER HE WAS SITING ON THE HOT HETER HIS BUT WAS HOT SO HE WENT TO THE BATHROOM HE TOKE THE CHOCLATE HE THOGHT IT WAS POPO
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| Posted by chris on 09-Aug-2005 | Ladies ToiletA rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
???Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
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| Posted by Mogs on 09-Aug-2005 | You're a wankerTwo builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '
James: ???No way - he's a stockbroker. '
Chris: ???He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: ' 'Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'
Suit: ???No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '
Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '
Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home???™
Chris: 'Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. '
Suit: `Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'
Chris: 'It's in a pond'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'
Chris: ???As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.'
Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'
Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'
Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '
Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'
Chris: ???Me? Never!'
Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'
Chris: 'How's that then?'
Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '
Chris: 'I ,see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'
Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'
James: 'What's that then?'
Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'
James: 'Hope. '
Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'
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| Posted by Brendan Cross on 09-Aug-2005 | 6 Shots of WhiskeyA young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman asks.
'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man.
'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'
'Yeah, my first blowjob.'
'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'
The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
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| Posted by Louis Turner on 09-Aug-2005 | Alligator in BarA guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
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| Posted by Kino Makoto on 09-Aug-2005 | 14 pints of GuinnessA bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.
'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.
'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' says the husband.
'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.
'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.
'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.
'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'
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